I’m sorry about yesterday’s
tantrum post. I was really upset when I wrote it. The first half of this week
has been very trying for multiple reasons.
The biggest reason: I have been
chatting with someone online for about 7 months now. We talked every day and I
had even gotten to the point that I considered him one of my best friends. I
started talking to him on the dating site that I’m a member of, where his
profile said he was single. In my mind he was single and it never occurred to
me that he might not be. I may have even posted that not long ago he and I
switched profiles on the dating site and he had me looking for women for him.
Sunday I discovered that he is married. I don’t know how much of what he has
been telling me all this time was just a lie, but I am crushed to find out that
he is not the person I thought he was and he had so little respect for me. I
talked to him more than anymore else and I find out I can’t believe anything he
has said to me. Needless to say, I have been reevaluating these online
friendships.
A lot of other smaller issues
contributed to me having a meltdown yesterday. It’s hard enough waiting to find
out if my oncologist will add more treatments or not without having to deal
with liars and jerks. My CT scan is tomorrow morning, but I won’t talk to Dr.
Gore about the results until next week. Please let it be good news…
It was very clear from your last couple of posts that you'd been having a pretty unpleasant last several days.
ReplyDeleteI was going to comment on the last post that this is a very personal blog with some really serious subject matter, so you don't owe it to anyone but yourself to continue it. Which means if you're really not getting anything out of it and you're ready to quit, then you should.
But "only a handful of people give a shit" is a bullshit reason to quit, and I think you know it. I'm a total stranger who reads your blog and cares about how you're doing, and I very much doubt I'm the only person who fits that description.
I was happy, then, to see this post pop up in my Google Reader a few minutes ago. I'm really glad you changed your mind. I hope you get the good news you're due.
You are right. I know there are plenty of people that care about me. At the time that I was writing that post I was so miserable that everything seems one hundred times worse than it really is. It wasn't a rational post. I feel much better now but I really do get that frustrated from time to time.
DeleteI've been keeping up with the blog as well, I just haven't had much to say because all of my comments relate back to my own chemo experiences (which all sucked so hard I'm having a hard time coming up with adequate adjectives).
ReplyDeleteI went through a similar falling apart period toward the end of my treatment as well (a much shorter, but apparently harsher treatment plan--I only had to deal with it for four months but by the end of it I felt and smelled like a walking corpse no matter how much I showered during the day).
I'm sure anyone else reading that has been through chemo can relate, but can't really articulate anything that would help (other than "it gets better" stuff). Plus the minor differences in everyone's treatments makes it difficult to give anything but the vaguest advice for dealing with the pain.
Even if you notice the pain as it builds up during your treatment, I've heard for some people it's a slow burn that they don't really notice outside of vague "feeling miserable" stuff until the chemo is over and they reach a recovery point where the lack of pain hits them like a drug high (I'm still waiting on that last one, I'm coming up on a year since my chemo originally started, eight months since it ended, and I still ache).
I was told that all the chemo drugs building up in my system can cause depression. I don't know how much it has to do with the drugs and how much it has to do with being so damn tired of feeling awful and incapable.
DeleteI am sorry that happened to you.. and I feel sorry for that guy, missing out on you and missing out on his family too. uh! Crossing my fingers for tomorrow, please let us know what they say, we are many people thinking about you.. but it is though having a blog.. you write about yourself and about your your personal feelings.. and it is a mixed feeling about if I want someone to comment on MY feelings.. but then if they dont.. I feel like I am putting my hear out there for... no one?
ReplyDeleteI will get to talk to my oncologist on Monday, so I will post what he says then.
DeleteMy mom got the book, The Paleo Solution and I've going to start reading it today! :-)
Please don't stop writing. When a reader does not post, it could be simply that your reader might be unsure of what to post. Some of us have never been through what you are currently going through... any one thing would be enough to sour the average sweetie; but all together is sour drink. BUT, you are a tough knot; I hear it in your words. Hang in there. You are loved and appreciated!! More than you know.
ReplyDeleteIt really wasn't upset about the blog or the amount of posts. Everything just seemed to pile up at once and it was just too much. I was upset and crying when I wrote that when I should have found something to do to make myself feel better. But I will continue to write, even though I get insecure and feel my posts are too boring to read.
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