We are experiencing some turbulence.

I am so, so very tired.

My physical limitations have been amplified to me recently as I try to recover from 7 rounds of chemo while taking on a full course load at school and working. The practical side of me knows that it will take time to fully regain my energy, but the part of me that is just so fucking happy that I MIGHT be done with chemo wants to be able to do anything and everything I need or want to do.

Today I went straight from class to work. I was so exhausted after work that I didn’t even leave right away. I sat in the office for a while to muster up the energy to make the 30 minute journey home.

I’m also a bit terrified because it looks as though my abdomen is swelling back up again. It’s a bad sign. Fluid buildup in my abdomen is something my oncologist, Dr. Gore, has been monitoring. I feel like I might have a pre-mature breakdown because I’ve been planning as though cancer isn’t going to be an issue anymore. Doing all the things I’ve been doing makes me exhausted, but being capable of a somewhat normal existence has been amazing. I want to keep moving forward. I feel sick at the thought of having my new “freedoms” taken away and returning to a horrible chemo existence. If only I could wish cancer away…

My birthday is at the end of the month but it’s just something marked on the calendar; I can’t seem to muster any excitement. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting too old to get excited about birthdays or because I’ve got more important stuff swirling around in my mind constantly.