We are experiencing some turbulence.

I am so, so very tired.

My physical limitations have been amplified to me recently as I try to recover from 7 rounds of chemo while taking on a full course load at school and working. The practical side of me knows that it will take time to fully regain my energy, but the part of me that is just so fucking happy that I MIGHT be done with chemo wants to be able to do anything and everything I need or want to do.

Today I went straight from class to work. I was so exhausted after work that I didn’t even leave right away. I sat in the office for a while to muster up the energy to make the 30 minute journey home.

I’m also a bit terrified because it looks as though my abdomen is swelling back up again. It’s a bad sign. Fluid buildup in my abdomen is something my oncologist, Dr. Gore, has been monitoring. I feel like I might have a pre-mature breakdown because I’ve been planning as though cancer isn’t going to be an issue anymore. Doing all the things I’ve been doing makes me exhausted, but being capable of a somewhat normal existence has been amazing. I want to keep moving forward. I feel sick at the thought of having my new “freedoms” taken away and returning to a horrible chemo existence. If only I could wish cancer away…

My birthday is at the end of the month but it’s just something marked on the calendar; I can’t seem to muster any excitement. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting too old to get excited about birthdays or because I’ve got more important stuff swirling around in my mind constantly.

BLARG!!!!

8:15 AM : I’m really glad I decided to start this blog. I have a truly horrific memory and I think it will be nice to be able to go back and revisit lost feelings and experiences. 

A very nice man from Sweden (I don’t know if he would have a problem with me posting his name here so I won’t to be safe) sent me a nice donation! I asked him if he would like for me to do a piece of artwork for him (and also mentioned that I wouldn’t be offended if he did not want one!) and he said something from The Lord of the Rings would be nice. Now I am thinking of what I might like to do. I would like to use my pastels but since I have not used them at all before, I’m worried I will just make a mess. 

I have to be back at the cancer center at 11:00 AM to get my Nuelasta shot (immune booster) and to get two bags of fluids. I’m guessing it will take about 4 hours. Normally I only get one bag of fluids the day after chemo, but Dr. Gore said that with the steroids making my blood sugars high, he felt two bags would be better. His nurse practitioner that had tried not to let me have any fluids at all after the last round while Dr. Gore was in Spain was in the room when he said that and I couldn’t help feeling a bit glad that she heard it too.

7:30 PM : BLARG SO EXHAUSTED CAN’T EVEN THINK GOODNIGHT!!!!

zombie mode

Today I went back to the hospital to get my neulasta shot (white count booster) and to get some IV fluids, because between the chemo and the steroids making my blood sugars high, I have been so damn dehydrated. Dr. Gore had put in an order for me to get fluids each time I come in for my neulasta shot the day after chemo. However, Dr. Gore is in Spain (still jealous!) this week and his power happy RN tried to tell me I didn’t need fluids. Um, well my doctor said that I do, so let’s just go with what he has ordered, k? I have diabetes and I’m getting chemo therapy… pump me full of those fluids! Luckily, I did not even have to talk to her today and got my fluids without any trouble. Dealing with someone on a power trip is never a fun experience. 

The happy moment when I noticed the fluids were almost done! Took over 2 hours!

I remember the good ol’ days when I felt good the day of chemo and the day after (today). Not anymore. I am sooo tired! And my skin is red today all over as if I got sunburned while nude (though I have not spent much time naked in the sun at all…). The nurse who was in charge of me today said it could be the steroids. My balance is also getting progressively worse. I almost fell when I went to get the mail after getting home from the hospital. I like being able to walk. I would like to keep that ability, please. I think when I started chemo and wasn’t feeling so terribly at first, and this is going to sound completely ridiculous, I just kind of thought of it as a new, interesting adventure. Venturing out into an unknown. Exciting. I no longer feel that way in the least and could slap myself for ever thinking that way. I will be so damn happy when this is over with. 

Every time I go in for chemo, the first thing they ask me is if I’ve been to the emergency room or been hospitalized since my last treatment. On a positive note, I have not gotten terribly sick at all since starting chemo so no, I have not been to the emergency or been hospitalized and am always happy to report this. I hope between the neulasta shots and the obsessive hand washing, it will stay that way. I am thankful I have not been stuck in the hospital since January. That was not a fun month for me at all. 

I haven’t made the progress I had hoped to make in improving my mind during this slow time (reading or studying Spanish or investigating something worthwhile) but maybe I can improve my body a bit. I get no exercise at all anymore and it makes me feel flabby and gross. I thought chemo would at least make me super skinny but my appetite has been fine and I have almost no issues with nausea now so I haven’t lost that much weight. I know I’m going back to being ridiculous again because I should be glad I’m not puking my guts out every day. Oh to be a woman in this society! So difficult not to be hung up on weight all the time. I am thinking of trying to go to yoga classes though. It might make me feel better. I probably won’t have the energy this week, but maybe next week will be better. 

And now I think it is time for a nap! I’m just not sure how to do it without waking her up…

What a rough day…

Today was supposed to be the day I still felt ok because the steroids from chemo would hold me over and keep me feeling good until tomorrow. No, not at all. I feel horrible. When I went in to get my usual neulasta shot at 2:30, they also gave me a bag of fluids because my blood sugars wouldn’t come down and I just felt awful. On top of that, my skin and eyes and nose were burning… On the way to the hospital I had to stop for gas because I was sitting on empty. Well, when I pulled the pump out, I guess something was stuck because it immediately started pumping gas everywhere, including all over my pants and shoes. And literally as gas is pumping everywhere, some idiot comes up to me and I guess tries to sell me a CD. I yelled, “I don’t care!!!” as I’m trying to figure out how to make the gas stop. WTF?

I didn’t want to be late for my appointment so I went reeking of gas. Everyone who was anywhere near me at the cancer center thought something was burning. Midway through getting my fluids, I started crying because I felt so awful and the smell was so overwhelming, and I guess it sunk in that all the nurses told me I would feel worse with each treatment. They put my socks, shoes, and pants in a garbage bag and gave me some giant paper shorts to wear. A nurse offered to let me wear the socks she’d had on all day but I would rather go barefoot than wear someone’s grungy stinky socks. “No thank you. I’m ok.” 

I can’t write anymore right now. I’m exhausted. The fluids helped a bit but I still feel terrible. And this post might be a fucking mess, but let me tell you, chemo brain is a real phenomenon.  Warning: these posts might just be going downhill from now on, along with me, maybe. 

Not looking forward to tomorrow, the day that was supposed to be the shit day.