zombie mode

Today I went back to the hospital to get my neulasta shot (white count booster) and to get some IV fluids, because between the chemo and the steroids making my blood sugars high, I have been so damn dehydrated. Dr. Gore had put in an order for me to get fluids each time I come in for my neulasta shot the day after chemo. However, Dr. Gore is in Spain (still jealous!) this week and his power happy RN tried to tell me I didn’t need fluids. Um, well my doctor said that I do, so let’s just go with what he has ordered, k? I have diabetes and I’m getting chemo therapy… pump me full of those fluids! Luckily, I did not even have to talk to her today and got my fluids without any trouble. Dealing with someone on a power trip is never a fun experience. 

The happy moment when I noticed the fluids were almost done! Took over 2 hours!

I remember the good ol’ days when I felt good the day of chemo and the day after (today). Not anymore. I am sooo tired! And my skin is red today all over as if I got sunburned while nude (though I have not spent much time naked in the sun at all…). The nurse who was in charge of me today said it could be the steroids. My balance is also getting progressively worse. I almost fell when I went to get the mail after getting home from the hospital. I like being able to walk. I would like to keep that ability, please. I think when I started chemo and wasn’t feeling so terribly at first, and this is going to sound completely ridiculous, I just kind of thought of it as a new, interesting adventure. Venturing out into an unknown. Exciting. I no longer feel that way in the least and could slap myself for ever thinking that way. I will be so damn happy when this is over with. 

Every time I go in for chemo, the first thing they ask me is if I’ve been to the emergency room or been hospitalized since my last treatment. On a positive note, I have not gotten terribly sick at all since starting chemo so no, I have not been to the emergency or been hospitalized and am always happy to report this. I hope between the neulasta shots and the obsessive hand washing, it will stay that way. I am thankful I have not been stuck in the hospital since January. That was not a fun month for me at all. 

I haven’t made the progress I had hoped to make in improving my mind during this slow time (reading or studying Spanish or investigating something worthwhile) but maybe I can improve my body a bit. I get no exercise at all anymore and it makes me feel flabby and gross. I thought chemo would at least make me super skinny but my appetite has been fine and I have almost no issues with nausea now so I haven’t lost that much weight. I know I’m going back to being ridiculous again because I should be glad I’m not puking my guts out every day. Oh to be a woman in this society! So difficult not to be hung up on weight all the time. I am thinking of trying to go to yoga classes though. It might make me feel better. I probably won’t have the energy this week, but maybe next week will be better. 

And now I think it is time for a nap! I’m just not sure how to do it without waking her up…

What a rough day…

Today was supposed to be the day I still felt ok because the steroids from chemo would hold me over and keep me feeling good until tomorrow. No, not at all. I feel horrible. When I went in to get my usual neulasta shot at 2:30, they also gave me a bag of fluids because my blood sugars wouldn’t come down and I just felt awful. On top of that, my skin and eyes and nose were burning… On the way to the hospital I had to stop for gas because I was sitting on empty. Well, when I pulled the pump out, I guess something was stuck because it immediately started pumping gas everywhere, including all over my pants and shoes. And literally as gas is pumping everywhere, some idiot comes up to me and I guess tries to sell me a CD. I yelled, “I don’t care!!!” as I’m trying to figure out how to make the gas stop. WTF?

I didn’t want to be late for my appointment so I went reeking of gas. Everyone who was anywhere near me at the cancer center thought something was burning. Midway through getting my fluids, I started crying because I felt so awful and the smell was so overwhelming, and I guess it sunk in that all the nurses told me I would feel worse with each treatment. They put my socks, shoes, and pants in a garbage bag and gave me some giant paper shorts to wear. A nurse offered to let me wear the socks she’d had on all day but I would rather go barefoot than wear someone’s grungy stinky socks. “No thank you. I’m ok.” 

I can’t write anymore right now. I’m exhausted. The fluids helped a bit but I still feel terrible. And this post might be a fucking mess, but let me tell you, chemo brain is a real phenomenon.  Warning: these posts might just be going downhill from now on, along with me, maybe. 

Not looking forward to tomorrow, the day that was supposed to be the shit day.

New wig

I like it!

This is the wig they gave me for free at the cancer center yesterday. It's fun to try a completely different color! I think it suits me though I could be wrong :-P

I woke up feeling great this morning. Not bad or nauseous. I think I've still got the effects of all the medicines they gave me yesterday carrying over. They said when the steroids wear off, I'll feel tired (probably tomorrow).

Well, I better get off the computer. I have to go get my shot to raise my white blood count. I finally remembered what it's called: neulasta