Inga

Hej, I am Inga! Hur är läget? I was born in Sweden but I also speak English very well! I am currently studying physics at Uppsala Universitet and hope to teach someday! I am very close with my family, who lives in Stockholm, and visit them as often as I can. People say that I am very friendly and can start a conversation with anyone, even strangers! Trevligt att träffas!

 I’m trying to sign up for a program called Look Good… FeelBetter. It’s a free program for women with cancer. You go to a class with other women with cancer and a professional makeup shows you tips and tricks for just looking better even though you have cancer. I haven’t lost my eyelashes or eyebrows to chemo but I know a lot of women do and I’m curious to see what the tips are for dealing with that. Also, they give you a free makeup kit that I was told is really nice! As a makeup junkie, I can’t miss out on that! My mom’s friend from work who went through chemo for breast cancer went and said it was a lot of fun. I talked on the phone from someone with the American Cancer Society about it and apparently the slots fill up quickly so it will probably be a little while before I can get into one of the classes.

Real message I sent to my pretend fiancé last night about mamba.ru, the Russian dating site I recently mentioned:

OMFG, this mamba website is so creepy! It's making me think that most Russian men are super creepy! I keep getting on but now most of my responses are "no" or "I don't understand you!"

One guy wants to marry me, one guy wants to be my slave, on guy wants to send me pictures of his penis, one guy just wants me to know that he is bisexual....

With one guy, he kept messaging me in Russian and I kept saying "I don't understand you" over and over and finally he just sent ")))))))) SEX)))))"

So the site lost it’s newness and fun pretty quickly!

Going to meet with my dad for lunch soon so I better get up and get going :-)


*EDIT*

Finally got the results back about what was going on with the fluids in my stomach. The fluid had atypical mitotic (???) cancer cells in it, but the doctor was not surprised by this and feels that my current treatment plan is still the correct one to get rid of them. They don't expect that my abdomen will swell back up with fluids if the current chemo drugs are doing their job properly. 

привет!

Today is the day I was told my immune system would be at its lowest. So I will definitely not go to Walmart today, haha. I don’t feel horrible. I feel more tired than I would like every day. I did have some bone pain but it wasn’t as bad as it was for the last round. My muscles are also sore, along with some coughing and being congested. Oddly, my balance is off – a side effect I don’t remember reading about. If I twist or move in an odd way too quickly, I almost fall every time. I wasn’t that clumsy before the chemo. Happily, I haven’t had as many headaches lately. Those seem to usually just pop up when I’m exhausted. Also, having the fluids drained from my stomach seems to have greatly improved my appetite. I think it also helps my appetite that I haven’t had much trouble with nausea anymore. I almost puke or puke just a little (gross I know) shortly after I wake up each morning, but it is usually fine for the rest of the day. I hope I’m not one of the few people that end up gaining weight on chemo! That would really suck. 

Stomach: still flatter. The fluids have not returned so far. 

Eyebrows: still hanging in there. YAY!

Eyelashes: don’t seem to ready to come out. Another small but much loved facial feature to be happy about hanging on to.

The hair loss seems to be random. Not what I expected. I thought all hair would come out all at once. I suppose it can be different for everybody and probably has a lot to do with the type of chemo drugs you are on. The hair on my head is clearly not growing, nor is the hair in my air pits growing at all (bonus). The hair on my legs seems like it might be growing at a very slow rate at this point. I’m sure this is all very interesting to read but I guess I’ve been studying it to a certain degree. Like I’m my own science experiment. 

Yesterday I had a gentleman caller come over! My, I haven’t had a gentleman caller in so long! Aaron came over and spent about 5 hours here. It was really fun but I was exhausted by the time he left. I haven’t slept well the last 3 nights for some reason. Even though I was having a good time, I had to ask him to leave after a while because I was so freaking exhausted. I could go into more detail about this visit but some things are private, especially when the person you are writing about will read what you have to say :-)

Instead of doing much in the way of constructive activities, I continue to find new ways to waste time. My pretend fiancé went on a date Friday night and so I joined the Russian dating site (mamba.ru) he found the girl on so I could check her out too. He said in person she looked a bit thicker and like a smoker, not quite measuring up to her profile pics. I think he is going to call her again though. Because I had to create a profile I started getting lots of messages from Russian guys too, haha. I was talking to my Russian on Skype so I could share my screen with him so that he could translate my messages and help me come up with funny replies. Вовик from the Ukraine was our favorite because he was overly excited, a bit crazy, and maybe a little on the slow side. He announced his love for me very quickly, in Russian of course, and the conversation just got stranger from there. But the website isn’t as fun when I log on alone because I don’t have my Russian there to make sense of the messages I get in Russian or broken English, so it’s already lost a lot of its appeal. Too many weirdo messages, like offers of marriage. But maybe I will become best friends with Вовик (I call him Bob now for short) despite the huge language barrier. 

I might go watch a few episodes of Weeds now. I know I am way behind to just get into it now, but the first 5 seasons are on Netflix and I’ve already gotten into it.

Multiple Personality Disorder :-P

It was suggested to me that I should give all my wigs names and I felt each wig should come with it’s own personality too! So here they are!

Natasha

This wig belongs to my Natasha personality. She is a secret Russian agent and sleeps with lots of men but breaks their hearts and snaps their necks in the morning! :-D

Abigail

This second wig is my Abigail personality. She is a sweet Southern belle that loves her daddy and Jesus! She is the president of her sorority and prays every night before she goes to sleep! She never goes out without making sure her hair looks perfect!

Paige

This wig is my Paige personality. She is quiet and shy. She works in a library and likes to read erotic fiction because she hasn't gotten laid in a long time! She is sweet and volunteers in an animal shelter and wants to join the Peace Corps :-)

Rachel

This is my Rachel wig. Some people think she’s abrasive and a bit trashy but she has a big heart. Most of her friends are guys because she can’t seem to make friends with girls as easily. She really loves her whiskey and dive bars so watch out!

Mary

The last wig is just Mary because it makes me look the most like me. Mary is going through a tough time because she has cancer and is going through chemotherapy but she is still very optimistic about the future! She’s a little weird but her friends and family love her very much! She really needs to stop spending so much time on the computer and find something productive to do :-)

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My second round of chemo will be next Monday and I’m not looking forward to finding out how I will feel that week. I was just thinking of something my doctor told me... My type of cancer is unfortunately the type that is pretty likely to return, so instead of just being done with this shit when chemo is over, he will have to keep an eye out for its return for a long, long time. I’m not really sure how all that will play out since I’ve really only just gotten started on my treatments. I shouldn’t even be saying this because there are many people who are much worse off than I am, but I’m pretty annoyed that I now have 3 illnesses I have to keep up with: I have to try to be a good diabetic all day / every day, I have to make sure I don’t fall into a deep depression again by watching for the signs of it, AND I have to keep tabs on this cancer deal I think forever. Yes, I’m aware that I always talk as if all this cancer stuff will come to a happy conclusion and chemotherapy will be totally success but I guess I just haven’t had any doubts that it won’t turn out exactly that way. Neither one of my doctors mentioned anything about a negative outcome, so if there is a chance of that, I feel like I’m in the dark about it. I need to remember to ask about this next Monday because I really do feel a little lost when it comes to a lot of this crazy stuff. Hopefully I won’t be half asleep when Dr. Gore comes by this next time. 

This is a picture of my friends at work wearing the support bracelets Jessica had made for me! In case you missed the earlier post about them, the say "There's something about Mary" which I think is both funny and very, very sweet!

It looks like the rest of my week is going to be relatively busy so I hope my energy level stays where I need it to be!

New Fake Hair Fun!

Saw that I just got an email about "cancer fighting foods" from WebMD. Too late... delete.

My friend Sarah works for Susan G Komen and put together a cancer gift bag for me: 3 wigs, a scarf, a hat, a bandana, and a t-shirt. I swear getting cancer is like non-stop Christmas... except for the whole cancer deal...

Some pics of the wigs:

favorite

bouncy hair!

cutesy

Now I just need this wig to complete my collection:

so hot!

AND to look just like Natalie Portman bald!

I'm jealous!

Some random news: the scar from surgery on my tummy seems to have faded a bit already and even though the hair was coming out on my head, I will still have to shave my legs for now :-/

 Maybe when my health insurance runs out in September I'll move to Sweden since they can't seem to get it right in the US. Sverige är en härlig land! Men jag hoppas att jag inte blir för kallt i Sverige!

Bye bye hair!

I was pulling my hair out in big chunks easily today so we decided to go ahead and shave it so it wouldn't end up falling out everywhere. I tried to video the beginning but we found out quickly that we had to cut it before we could shave it!

This is an "outtake" video of me trying to tell my mom how to properly direct a video, lol:

Here are some pictures of the process:

getting it cut short before the shaving process

Mom starting to shave it

John shaving it closer

really close shave

getting adjusted

I'm bald!

I don't think I mind the bald look so much (almost kind of like it) and I can put on my fake hair when I want now :-)


I have to mention that my awesome friend Jessica had support bracelets made for me that are kind of like Lance Armstrong's livestrong bracelets. They are red and say "There's something about Mary" on them! Funny and sweet at the same time. She's given them out to my friends at work to wear and today gave me some for my family members to wear. She's such a great friend!

Visit from Daddio

Yesterday, the coughing and chest/throat pain got bad quickly and due to a debatable fever, the doctor told me to start taking the antibiotics I was given to keep on hand. I felt shitty on and off most of yesterday, with the day ending with some pretty unpleasant bone pain. My blood sugar got low around "dinner time" (I don't really follow normal meal times anymore) so I was able to eat a lot more than I typically would: a banana, a Stouffer's salisbury steak tv dinner, and a little bit of ice cream. I guess it's good to pack in some calories when I'm up to it because usually just a yogurt is enough.

My dad came to visit me early this morning because he was worried about me after the somewhat rough day I had yesterday. Right now he's watch That Thing You Do! while I blog and drink my coffee/protein shake mixture. He works nights so he pretty much came straight over here from work. He's a sweet dad.

I'm on hair loss watch now. Monday will be that day they said the hair could start coming out. I mean, it might not come out but I'm not counting on that. I think I've accepted it though I don't know if I'll have some surprise emotional moment when it does come out. It seems like a lot of my emotional moments are "surprise emotional moments." It'll come out in clumps when it does and at that point I'll just shave it. I guess I'll post some bald pics though it's not nearly as fun to me as the wig pics and such. I'm curious to see what I will look like. Maybe I'll start to wear even more makeup to somehow balance it out. Or that's a silly idea. I saw a cute scarf I wanted that was pink with giraffes on it, but it was $15 so I held off. I'm trying to be extremely frugal right now.

New wig

I like it!

This is the wig they gave me for free at the cancer center yesterday. It's fun to try a completely different color! I think it suits me though I could be wrong :-P

I woke up feeling great this morning. Not bad or nauseous. I think I've still got the effects of all the medicines they gave me yesterday carrying over. They said when the steroids wear off, I'll feel tired (probably tomorrow).

Well, I better get off the computer. I have to go get my shot to raise my white blood count. I finally remembered what it's called: neulasta

I think it's going to be a good day :-)

I don't really have a whole lot to say today so I thought I'd share a message I got from a stranger that made me feel really good:

"Hey, I was reading through some of your blog (haven't read it all.. yet) and just thought I'd give my thoughts on losing your hair.
Actually, first I want to say how brave it is to get all that out publicly. And it also really helps me to write about stuff I'm going through, so hopefully it helps you too!
About the hair loss, I really wouldn't worry about people finding you unattractive. Quite a few people (including myself) find girls with shaved heads hot. I think you'll be beautiful hair or no hair.
Anyway, have a good weekend"

Several people I know have already said this to me, but hearing it from a stranger was a little bit different. You have to worry that friends and family are only trying to cheer you up. I think when I lose my hair, I will have to face my own insecurities about how I look to a greater extent. I never felt like my nose was quite right in a way that even I can't explain. My forehead is too big and I already see worry lines coming in on it. I also won't have eyebrows or eyelashes, and as someone who is very much into makeup, these feel like great losses. All of this is temporary of course and maybe it will somehow give me a better appreciation of the strengths of my face. I've always been told I have nice lips and a great smile. I've gotten plenty of compliments on my eyes. So I think I just need a new way of looking at it. I'm sure in a way it will be a really interesting experience.

The message just made my morning though :-)

Bald model - don't think I'll pull it off QUITE this well...

Two more days until I start chemo. I'm ready to get started yet uncomfortable about all of it. I've gotten all sorts of warnings from all sorts of different people about what it would be like, but I think I won't really know until I experience it for myself. I am really worried about the bigger side effects. The possible long term side effects. These are scary: organ damage, fertility problems, nerve damage, and probably some others I don't know about. There might even be problems that some up that the doctors don't know about. I'm trying to put these concerns out of my mind. I take the doctors at their word when they say this treatment needs to be done. It's strange though that some of these long term side effects are the same side effects I could have to deal with if I don't manage my diabetes properly. However, with the diabetes, I plan on taking care of myself to avoid these future problems but the chemo is just a crap shoot that I can't do anything to change.

Either today or tomorrow I'll get to see my youngest brother Jake. He actually just shaved his head :-)
He got me this cool animal hood (http://spirithoods.com/) that might help keep my head warm when I'm without hair.

This is the hood but I'm not with Jake in this pic. This is my other brother Ryan. I'll need a better pic of the hood, preferable with Jake in it!

Better looking than my real hair!

I could never get my real hair to look this bouncy and wavy!

I found out it will be couple of weeks after the first round of chemo (or so I was told) before my hair starts to come out, but we decided to go check out wigs today. The place my friend Sarah recommended was closed today so we went to Hair Options (http://www.hairopt.com/) in Hoover. The women who worked there were super nice and helpful! I tried on several wigs but the one you see in the picture above was by far my favorite. I feel like it looks like my real hair... only better. I know I said I was going to branch out and not do red, but the woman who helped me (Loraine) said that chemo would make me look even paler (how is that possible??) and red was good for adding warmth and color. She also explained the best way to try to get my insurance company to cover it (BlueCross BlueShield are apparently dicks about this) and gave us a nice discount (wigs are expensive!!)

So if you or anyone you know finds yourself in need of a wig, I highly recommend this place! I wore my wig around for the rest of the day even though I still have real hair underneath, haha!