"I'm as serious as cancer..."

I finally slept really well last night! Possibly because I stayed up much later and the shenanigans of last night wore me out. I did not have fun cleaning all that up today…

“Your partner masturbates. So what? It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your sex life. It just means your partner's human. 91% of men under age 70 have masturbated and 76% of women -- and likely many more. Masturbation has benefits, too: It relieves stress, helps with PMS pain in women, reduces early ejaculation in men, and may even help you sleep.” – WebMD.com

I correctly answered 12 out of 14 questions on WedMD’s “Bedroom Mistakes Women Make” quiz. Most were just common sense questions. It was a bit more informative than a Cosmo sex quiz though. You can take it here if you are interested: http://women.webmd.com/rm-quiz-bedroom-mistakes-women?ecd=wnl_sxr_050512

A note: For those of you who do not see the value in rap/hip hop music, the … enthusiasm and driving beat really pep this chemo patient up when she is feeling a bit down or tired. On the other hand, if I’m feeling really awful, it just gives me a headache.

Warm and Fuzzy

I got an unexpected glowing blog review that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! This is what someone I don’t know who regularly reads my blog had to say about it:

“I love that you write it so matter of factly and without self-defense mechanisms inhibiting you. I really liked the post where you talk about a nurse calling you an 'inspiration' and your response is something to the effect of "Why am I an inspiration? Because I managed to show up?" I like that when you're feeling down you write about it, and when you're feeling alright you write about it. I like that you post jokes! Your blog isn't about cancer, it's about you, and that's why I think it's valuable.”

That was really so nice to hear because sometimes I really feel like I am just talking to my self here and might as well just write this shit in some kind of private journal. 

Body images issues…They don’t die so easily. I got a bit scrawny for a minute there and now I seem to be about the same size I was before all these cancer shenanigans went down. That size was not fat by any means but I hate the feeling of knowing I gained a bit of weight. I want to know if very many people gain weight while going through chemo. I doubt it. I would like to form my own focus group and cancer and chemotherapy but I will probably have to settle for trying to Google it. Admittedly, I was eating a lot of junky foods and was able to consume those junky foods without trouble because I have had very little trouble with nausea. However, I got a bunch of healthy groceries yesterday. Lots of fruits, vegetables, and lean protein, and healthy snacks. Maybe I just feel so out of shape because I am not getting any exercise. I have yet to make it to a yoga class. I really don’t think I should feel as guilty as I do about this because I do get very tired and I think my primary job right now is to rest. So far I have been eating a lot better and I know that is good for my immune system. Here is the salad I made for lunch:

Spinach, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, grapes, strawberries, pear, roasted almonds, and goat cheese… yum!

I’ve also been taking really good vitamins and fish oil supplements, and that seems to have made a difference in my mood and how I’ve been feeling. I have had trouble with sleeping though, on and off, and that seems to contribute to me feeling crappy more than anything (well, anything other than say the cancer or the chemotherapy). I feel much better on the days when I get a great night of sleep the night before. After a night of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep for a few hours, I feel extra exhausted and moody the whole day. My doctor is supposed to call me today about possibly taking some kind of medicine that will help me sleep through the night. If he doesn’t, I will be very annoyed since tomorrow is Saturday and I definitely won’t have any hope of hearing from him until Monday. I need good sleep!

Now I think I will try to do something productive while my energy level is still hovering at an acceptable level. Maybe work on getting the stuff together I need for some cancer scholarship applications or for this charity care application that could help with medical bills. I did not sleep well last night so it won’t be long before I just want to lie in bed and do nothing.

Droopy Dog

Why do people eat caesar salads? Yuck!

Why is my second toe longer than my big toe? Looks strange. 

Why does the Russian alphabet have to be so confusing?

Why can’t I find someone else with cancer to be my friend? :-(

Why can’t I donate all the cancer cells in my body to Rush Limbaugh?

Why can’t I speak every single language in existence without having to actually learn them?

Why can’t we get universal healthcare passed so I don’t have to worry that I can’t afford to have diabetes and cancer?

Why can’t I seem to pick up a book and start reading it? I love to read. 

Why have I gained a couple of pounds since starting chemo instead of losing weight? Not cool. 

Why do I check Facebook so often? I rarely see anything worthwhile there. 

Why do spicy foods make my nose run? (Gross)

Why can’t wigs be less hot and itchy?

Why does it have to get so fucking hot in Alabama during the summer?

Why did I get cancer? :-(

I get so tired that it feels like the area under my eyes is sinking down down down and I have to check a mirror to make sure I don’t look like this:

Did Splenda give me cancer?

I can’t help wonder about that. I’ve been using a lot of Splenda for a long time. Despite this concern, I still use just as much. I should probably just stop using it because it’s so unnatural. Or at least cut back. My other worry is that my overpriced hair straightening treatments gave me cancer. Keratin hair treatments. These treatments contain formaldehyde. “A suspected carcinogen, formaldehyde is a colorless chemical compound with a pungent and irritating odor.” I never read much about this before I was diagnosed with cancer because I always desperately wanted my very curly hair to be stick straight. Very expensive and suspected to cause cancer… When my hair grows back, I will either embrace the curls or find a less scary way to straighten it. As far as whatever may have caused the cancer, I guess I’ll never know and I’d rather not blame myself since it sucks enough just having cancer. 

I finally finished the iris painting! Well, you can say I finished it or you can say I just got tired of messing with it. This is where I have decided to stop:

I’ll have to move on to a new art project of some sort to keep me busy.

Round 3... of 6??

Emma and her raccoon toy coming to visit me before I left for chemo :-)

7:00 - Today is chemo treatment #3. I think I will write this post the same way I wrote the last chemo day post, just writing bits throughout the process since I’ll just be sitting in a chair for half the day. 

9:30 - I’m sitting here in my chemo chair waiting for them to get started. They seem really busy and a bit behind today. I just overheard a nurse say they are short staffed today so I might be here a bit longer than I normally would. But I’ve gotten to listen to a nurse explain what to expect to a new chemo patient and she is being much more thorough than the nurse I had, so I’m learning a bit. Or just hearing things I had to figure out on my own… I’m really, really sleepy right now so I might just pass out in a minute. Definitely will when they give me the benadryl (to prevent react to the first chemo drug, taxol).  I’m not sure I want to log everything that happens today anyway because I did that last time and I’m just so tired this time. 

Me and my chemo supplies

11:00 - Dr. Gore just came by and I’m just finished getting the IV benadryl so now I’m really sleep.  I will probably attempt to nap in a minute even though it’s noisy here. Dr. Gore gave me some disappointing news. I asked him how he will know if the chemotherapy was successful since the next one will be my last. He corrected me and I said I was never meant to do 4 treatments; I was meant to do 6! I know I was told 6 at one point and 4 at another, but I was sure the last word was 4. Oh well… At least I finally got my answer about how they will know I’m better. He said they will do another CAT scan. He added that sometimes the surgeon will open the patient back up to look around but they won’t in my case, so I’m pretty happy I don’t have something like that AGAIN my near future. I told him that my abdomen has swollen a little bit since it was drained 3 weeks ago, but he said it’s a good sign that it’s only a little swollen and that it hasn’t swollen up as quickly. Well, I’m about to fall sleep and my writing is probably extra sloppy so I’m going to try to take a nap now. 

12:45 - Just “woke up” from being half asleep for a little while. My stomach started to growl so my mom went to get me some food. I don’t think I will be here too much longer. I think the nurse said about another hour. 

2:00 - I’m almost done! Just a few more minutes of the second chemo drug (carboplatin) left!

5:30 – I’ve been home for a while now, napping away. I feel a bit better now after some sleep but still too tired to write anything more. So if this post is really boring, sorry but I’m just so tired today, so here is a link to a much better blog than mine: http://www.positivityblog.com.

Peacock!

Of course people with “pre-existing conditions” shouldn’t be able to get health insurance. Why not just keep us all away from doctors and hospitals and let Darwinism work its magic, right? I guess I don’t deserve reasonably priced medical care. I’m 25 and shouldn’t still be just a student. I should have a good job that provides me with health insurance. We can just ignore the fact that I got behind in getting through school because of health problems. Oh by the way, I just have to say that if what I’ve said makes you angry, you are probably someone I don’t want reading my blog so feel free to stop.  

Despite that little rant, I’ve calmed down since yesterday and I’m feeling much better today. I think I just started feeling overwhelmed and upset and it just progressed into a bit of a panic attack. The people that care about me helped pull me out of my sad mood. I still have a stress headache and I’m not excited about chemo tomorrow, but I’m ok. I’ve done some cleaning, laundry, and organizing because I know I won’t feel like doing it later this week. Soon, I’ll head to the store with my mom and pick up some chemo foods (stuff that requires little to no effort to prepare).

Honestly, I’m still in a grouchy mood and can’t muster whatever it would take to attempt to be mildly entertaining here. This crazy chat roulette guy is probably more entertaining than me anyway:

http://youtu.be/C9QJATiVps8

Adventures of Creepy Girl

С Днем Рождения мой жених!

Today is my pretend fiancé’s birthday. Well, in his time zone (Malaysia) it’s his birthday now. We had a little spat yesterday but that isn’t going to stop me from saying Happy Birthday to мой дорогой.  He is busy with work and spending time with a woman he can actually reach out and touch. Hopefully between the spat and him really getting laid, he won’t call off the pretend marriage. I wouldn’t be pretend disappointed; I would be really disappointed! Before the little spat, I did video chat with him and he looked very happy and very sweaty, so I hope he’s having a great time. I’m extremely jealous he’s at the beach even though it is also a business trip. I wouldn’t mind sitting by the ocean, listening to the waves crash and staring at it’s seeming infiniteness. 

Today I am on a mission that involves the state of my head. I have mentioned previously that the hair loss didn’t happen as I expected. It didn’t come out all at once. So currently there is still some stubble on my head. There is some hair that doesn’t seem ready to fall out and some parts that are a lot smoother. It is itchy and I hate it. I think I would be much more comfortable if it was completely smooth. So I am going out today to see if there is a place nearby that can shave it completely smooth. A barbershop or salon. I’ll just go in and say, “Hi, I’m going through chemotherapy but my head doesn’t seem to want to smooth out. Can someone please shave it for me?” I guess I could buy a nice men’s electric face razor but I think that would be more expensive and I would only need to use it once. Operation Smooth Head commences as soon as I finish putting on my makeup. 

I learned a new phrase in Swedish: “min online förälskelse” (my online crush)! I hope I’m not nearly as creepy as I probably sound… 

I just thought of 5 more things I might want to write about, but I not only have to keep in mind that as far as people I really know, I no longer have any idea who reads this, and I have to respect the privacy of others, e.g. not including others’ secrets or personal information without their permission. Even if I don’t include a person’s name, I like to feel confident that if I’m talking about something private, no one that reads this can figure out who that person is.

Counseling For Dummies

 Ok, I’m done with Sharon (counselor/therapist/psychologist). She really rubs me the wrong way. Maybe I could deal with her if her over the top personality was the only issue (probably not though), but her offensive comments have pushed me over the edge. Not only did she make highly inappropriate comments about religion and negative comments about people of different cultural backgrounds, she said one thing that just left me completely speechless. When I told her than I planned on embracing my baldness when it gets extremely hot this summer, she said, “That’s ok! People will just think you are going through a butch phase!” What the fuck? That is not ok to say in any setting, much less a professional setting. I already feel that I don’t need therapy but if I did, I would not put my mental health in this incompetent woman’s hands. Also, it seemed a bit alarming that the bookshelf in her office had so many For Dummies books on it (Depression For Dummies, Bipolar Disorder For Dummies, etc). I don’t actually like talking to dummies… and I certainly don’t want to leave therapy feeling worse instead of better. 

I went out today on a trip to get mouthwash and olive oil and I wore only a thin, pink skull cap. I’m sure I looked very much like a chemo patient and I got a lot of stares. It didn’t really bother me that much and I pretended not to notice. Maybe I should go the route of telling myself that people are staring because they think I am famous (ha!) or giving them all dirty looks and yell, “I have cancer! Do you have a problem with that??” No, not really my style.  :-)

Tonight I get to eat sushi and see my friends Kathleen and Perri! We are eating at the Japanese restaurant that I mentioned in a previous post. So I have two wing women and maybe I can now find out at least one of the names of the two cute guys who work there. Flirting is not my forte though. I’m just glad I get to see my friends! Gotta pack in some fun before chemo Monday!

*EDIT*

Just got some pink hair in the mail! Now I just need a crazy party to go to!