Warm and Fuzzy

I got an unexpected glowing blog review that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! This is what someone I don’t know who regularly reads my blog had to say about it:

“I love that you write it so matter of factly and without self-defense mechanisms inhibiting you. I really liked the post where you talk about a nurse calling you an 'inspiration' and your response is something to the effect of "Why am I an inspiration? Because I managed to show up?" I like that when you're feeling down you write about it, and when you're feeling alright you write about it. I like that you post jokes! Your blog isn't about cancer, it's about you, and that's why I think it's valuable.”

That was really so nice to hear because sometimes I really feel like I am just talking to my self here and might as well just write this shit in some kind of private journal. 

Body images issues…They don’t die so easily. I got a bit scrawny for a minute there and now I seem to be about the same size I was before all these cancer shenanigans went down. That size was not fat by any means but I hate the feeling of knowing I gained a bit of weight. I want to know if very many people gain weight while going through chemo. I doubt it. I would like to form my own focus group and cancer and chemotherapy but I will probably have to settle for trying to Google it. Admittedly, I was eating a lot of junky foods and was able to consume those junky foods without trouble because I have had very little trouble with nausea. However, I got a bunch of healthy groceries yesterday. Lots of fruits, vegetables, and lean protein, and healthy snacks. Maybe I just feel so out of shape because I am not getting any exercise. I have yet to make it to a yoga class. I really don’t think I should feel as guilty as I do about this because I do get very tired and I think my primary job right now is to rest. So far I have been eating a lot better and I know that is good for my immune system. Here is the salad I made for lunch:

Spinach, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, grapes, strawberries, pear, roasted almonds, and goat cheese… yum!

I’ve also been taking really good vitamins and fish oil supplements, and that seems to have made a difference in my mood and how I’ve been feeling. I have had trouble with sleeping though, on and off, and that seems to contribute to me feeling crappy more than anything (well, anything other than say the cancer or the chemotherapy). I feel much better on the days when I get a great night of sleep the night before. After a night of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep for a few hours, I feel extra exhausted and moody the whole day. My doctor is supposed to call me today about possibly taking some kind of medicine that will help me sleep through the night. If he doesn’t, I will be very annoyed since tomorrow is Saturday and I definitely won’t have any hope of hearing from him until Monday. I need good sleep!

Now I think I will try to do something productive while my energy level is still hovering at an acceptable level. Maybe work on getting the stuff together I need for some cancer scholarship applications or for this charity care application that could help with medical bills. I did not sleep well last night so it won’t be long before I just want to lie in bed and do nothing.

body image

As an insecure type of girl, I can't remember ever feelings like I didn't want to lose a few pounds or at least get in better shape by working out hardcore. Now, for the first time, I have to worry about getting in enough calories. Such a dramatic change. I can't eat much at a time now and I don't usually get hungry so I have to remind myself when it's time to eat. My doctor told me I might have to treat food as if it's medicine, I might not want any or think about it, but I need it and have to stay on schedule with eating. Blander foods seem to work best. Spicy or fatty hasn't worked out well in most cases. I've ended up mostly just wanting the same few foods: chocolate protein shake mixed with coffee every morning, and at some point during the day, there will be a greek yogurt and later (or earlier) some frosted mini wheats. Because of the situation, I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I'm liking being a bit skinnier. I don't want to lose more weight and blow away in a strong wind, but I really do think it's true that when all the actresses and models you see (the ones who are suppose to be our ideal of beauty) are all super slim or just scrawny it's hard for this not to affect the psyche of the average woman. In my real world experience, it seems like more men prefer to have something to grab a hold of during sex. Because I had lost a lot of weight (too much weight) at one point a few years ago and it really screwed with my head, I don't want to go through a repeat of that, emotionally. After losing all that weight, so many people were telling me to my face I looked great, but I found out that behind my back, people were saying I looked awful and must be on drugs. It really messed with my head and it took me a long time to recover. I even went to a body image class for while, though it didn't feel like I fit in because the women were much older and for the most part obese. They probably also thought I didn't fit in.I guess I'm trying to say that we, as women, should just try to be healthy and love ourselves as we are.

Goal for today: accomplish something. Nothing big. I don't have the energy for big. I've just spent so much time glued to my computer that's it's making me feel worthless. I could actually start on one of my books, or put my clothes away, or apply for scholarships. Maybe more than one of those if I'm feeling really ambitious and my coffee does it's job properly.

I also have a pretend wedding to plan, but that counts as being glued to the computer. Yes, I have acquired a pretend fiance who has agreed to pretend marry me. Something to keep me occupied, haha. I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog so won't be embarrassed I wrote about it. We've already run into a snag though because I'm pretty sure I don't want any children and he does. I think this pretend marriage is doomed to a pretend divorce.