In a way this
blog is really good for me. It gives me something to do and I need to have
things to do. I feel an obligation to write in it. That sounds negative but I
like this feeling of obligation. I have very few responsibilities at the moment
beyond show up for chemo and don’t lick doorknobs. Just a few months ago, I was
very busy. I was responsible for school work, showing up for my job, and
managing the only illnesses I was aware I had at the time. I enjoyed my level
of stress to a certain extent and felt staying busy kept me happy. So I
treasure this one small “responsibility” I have made for myself. However, this
blog is also a source of some grief. I am highly aware that the chemotherapy
and the exhaustion it has caused have dulled me down mentally. As I’m typing, I
forgot how to spell words I would normally have no trouble with at all, will
type the wrong word entirely, and make stupid grammatical errors. This is
extremely frustrating for me and I reread my posts on average 3 times before I
post them. Yet I have still have gone back and found errors later. I suppose I
don’t need them as much at the moment, but losing my wits is painful for me. My
mind feels like a Jackson Pollock painting sometimes.
I guess when
all this is “over” (I was told it won’t really be over for a long time), I get
to call myself a cancer survivor. Sounds really dramatic to me. I might try to
think of something else. “I had ovarian cancer but they got that shit out and
now I’m minus one ovary” is a bit too long probably.
I blew
through 6 seasons of Weeds pretty quickly and I’m not trying to figure out how
I can watch the seventh season without paying $21.99. For now, I started
watching the series TEDTalks: Sex, Secrets & Love. “Would you die for love?
Would you lie for love? These presenters' insights on sex, secrets and love are
as surprising as they are delightful. Experts and humorists speak candidly
about desire and attraction to illustrate the wonder of love.” The first
episode was “Mary Roach: 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Orgasm.” It was
interesting and I definitely learned a few things. She talked about a woman who
for some odd reason would have an orgasm every time she brushed her teeth. I
think some women might find this to be a fantastic discovery; but unfortunately,
this woman was a religious zealot and felt she was possessed by the devil. She
stopped brushing her teeth and switched to just mouthwash. Disgusting. I think
it’s a shame that some people still view sexuality as something taboo. I guess
for this women, brushing her teeth is a form of masturbation and she would
rather let her teeth rot out of her head than masturbate. It’s very hard for me
to try to see things from the perspective of someone like this. I feel sorry
for her.
I’ve been
feeling a bit overwhelmed emotionally lately and hanging out with a depressed
dog all day isn’t helping (I’m probably not good for her either) so I have an
appointment with a new counselor next week. I hope she is much better than the
last one…
3,6,9
standin real
fine
move it to
you sing it to me one mo time
Get low
Get low
Get low
Get low
Get low
Get low
Get low
Get low
To the
window, to the wall,
To the sweat
drip down my balls
To all these
bitches crawl
To all skeet
skeet motherfucker
all skeet skeet
goddamn
I have no
idea if those are the correct words. Wow, that song really takes me back to a
much simpler time… :-D
