Fuck this shit!

Monday will be my third go at chemo treatment but the first time I’m really just dreading it. It shouldn’t be like that, I know what to expect. I don’t want to go back to feeling shitty and exhausted. I should be halfway through but I’m just tired of it. I’m sitting in bed trying to think of something to do to take my mind off of it and just relax. I’ve tried so hard to stay strong and be positive but I’m just tired of this shit. Excuse me while I have a minor breakdown. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine by the end of the day.

Adventures of Creepy Girl

С Днем Рождения мой жених!

Today is my pretend fiancé’s birthday. Well, in his time zone (Malaysia) it’s his birthday now. We had a little spat yesterday but that isn’t going to stop me from saying Happy Birthday to мой дорогой.  He is busy with work and spending time with a woman he can actually reach out and touch. Hopefully between the spat and him really getting laid, he won’t call off the pretend marriage. I wouldn’t be pretend disappointed; I would be really disappointed! Before the little spat, I did video chat with him and he looked very happy and very sweaty, so I hope he’s having a great time. I’m extremely jealous he’s at the beach even though it is also a business trip. I wouldn’t mind sitting by the ocean, listening to the waves crash and staring at it’s seeming infiniteness. 

Today I am on a mission that involves the state of my head. I have mentioned previously that the hair loss didn’t happen as I expected. It didn’t come out all at once. So currently there is still some stubble on my head. There is some hair that doesn’t seem ready to fall out and some parts that are a lot smoother. It is itchy and I hate it. I think I would be much more comfortable if it was completely smooth. So I am going out today to see if there is a place nearby that can shave it completely smooth. A barbershop or salon. I’ll just go in and say, “Hi, I’m going through chemotherapy but my head doesn’t seem to want to smooth out. Can someone please shave it for me?” I guess I could buy a nice men’s electric face razor but I think that would be more expensive and I would only need to use it once. Operation Smooth Head commences as soon as I finish putting on my makeup. 

I learned a new phrase in Swedish: “min online förälskelse” (my online crush)! I hope I’m not nearly as creepy as I probably sound… 

I just thought of 5 more things I might want to write about, but I not only have to keep in mind that as far as people I really know, I no longer have any idea who reads this, and I have to respect the privacy of others, e.g. not including others’ secrets or personal information without their permission. Even if I don’t include a person’s name, I like to feel confident that if I’m talking about something private, no one that reads this can figure out who that person is.

Good Day!

Wake up.

Coffee.

Sex.

Pizza.

Goodnight!

Counseling For Dummies

 Ok, I’m done with Sharon (counselor/therapist/psychologist). She really rubs me the wrong way. Maybe I could deal with her if her over the top personality was the only issue (probably not though), but her offensive comments have pushed me over the edge. Not only did she make highly inappropriate comments about religion and negative comments about people of different cultural backgrounds, she said one thing that just left me completely speechless. When I told her than I planned on embracing my baldness when it gets extremely hot this summer, she said, “That’s ok! People will just think you are going through a butch phase!” What the fuck? That is not ok to say in any setting, much less a professional setting. I already feel that I don’t need therapy but if I did, I would not put my mental health in this incompetent woman’s hands. Also, it seemed a bit alarming that the bookshelf in her office had so many For Dummies books on it (Depression For Dummies, Bipolar Disorder For Dummies, etc). I don’t actually like talking to dummies… and I certainly don’t want to leave therapy feeling worse instead of better. 

I went out today on a trip to get mouthwash and olive oil and I wore only a thin, pink skull cap. I’m sure I looked very much like a chemo patient and I got a lot of stares. It didn’t really bother me that much and I pretended not to notice. Maybe I should go the route of telling myself that people are staring because they think I am famous (ha!) or giving them all dirty looks and yell, “I have cancer! Do you have a problem with that??” No, not really my style.  :-)

Tonight I get to eat sushi and see my friends Kathleen and Perri! We are eating at the Japanese restaurant that I mentioned in a previous post. So I have two wing women and maybe I can now find out at least one of the names of the two cute guys who work there. Flirting is not my forte though. I’m just glad I get to see my friends! Gotta pack in some fun before chemo Monday!

*EDIT*

Just got some pink hair in the mail! Now I just need a crazy party to go to!

And they all look just the same

Little boxes on the hillside,

Little boxes made of ticky tacky,

Little boxes on the hillside,

Little boxes all the same.

There's a green one and a pink one

And a blue one and a yellow one,

And they're all made out of ticky tacky

And they all look just the same.

Because I have gotten really into watching Weeds on Netflix, I get the theme song “Little Boxes” stuck in my head a lot. I just finished season 3 yesterday and I’m sure I’ll start on season 4 today. In the future I hope my life has an excitement level somewhere between this current state and the madness that goes on in that show. No one needs to ever worry about me being a drug dealer though; I am not that “adventurous.”  :-)

I really hate that my memory is so horrible. It seems abnormal how terrible it is. There are some things I really wish I could remember clearly but that have faded to almost nothing, and yet I will remember the most random, useless stuff pretty clearly. For example, a bit of a television show I watched quite a while back popped into my head yesterday and I have no idea why it came up. It was about a married couple’s sex life. Some Oprah type show. The wife couldn’t achieve orgasm with her husband. She could only achieve orgasm by having sex with the corner of a laundry basket…  Ok, it’s true that the sex lives of others interests me greatly and I even thought I might like to be a sex therapist, but there are other, more personal memories I would rather hang on to but have lost. The person I’ve compared my memory to the most is my brother, because he could remember so many things clearly from childhood that I couldn’t remember at all. It doesn’t help when doctors ask me questions about my medical history and I’m just thinking, “Um…”  Maybe I should start doing brain training exercises and eating more foods with omega fatty acids. Maybe I just need to make a better effort to remember things? I don’t know but it frustrates me.

I normally never wear shorts because my legs are so white, I feel self-conscious about showing them off. However, it is already hot as fuck sometimes outside so I got a couple of pairs on sale yesterday. I could I could lie out in the sun and try to get a tan but then I might get cancer… oh, wait! I am not looking forward to miserably hot weather this summer though. I wish I could stay in the 60s and 70s all year round. I would love that.

I could start playing World of Warcraft…

… but I won’t!

I just realized it is now 1 week before my next chemo treatment. I don’t want to go again! I guess I need to try to pack in some fun time this week before I have to go back and feel like crap all over.

My fun thing today was going to see The Hunger Games with my dad. I really liked the movie but was surprised to see little kids sitting in the theater. I had trouble stomaching a lot of the content as an adult; I think if I watched it as a child, I would have nightmares for weeks. If you are reading this, you are probably an adult and I definitely recommend that you see the movie. Here’s the preview if you haven’t seen it:

http://youtu.be/RNxb28j5C1w

I am going tomorrow to talk about cancer and my feelings with my new counselor/therapist/psychologist Sharon. I don’t really feel like I need to go but at this point it will just be nice to get out of the house. However, I’m just not sure what I will talk to her about for a full hour. Maybe I will just tell her the craziest shit that pops into my head since her job is to listen to crazy shit and my life is simply not overly exciting right now. Well, I guess getting cancer is pretty… well, definitely not exciting but certainly crazy. My day to day life may seem dull but I keep myself fairly entertained in odd and silly ways. 

Still in the market for a sham marriage that will provide me with health insurance. Maybe I should try craigslist.com…

:-x

На сигаретах пишут "вызывает рак лёгких" ,на спиртном "вредит здоровью". Почему на девушках не пишут "пиздeц нервной системе"?!

Translation: On cigarettes it says "causes lung cancer,” on alcohol "is harmful to health." Why do the girls do not say "fucks with nervous system"!?

So my Skype experiment went horribly wrong. The experiment where I skyped with a guy who only speaks Russian and no English at all? Failure! I thought it was harmless to add him on facebook when he asked, but that did not work out so well. He tried to tag himself as being at the airport nearest to me and posted a picture of himself on my Facebook wall…. not cute, just creepy! He was also messaging me multiple times a day on skype, facebook, and mamba. Usually just kissy faces and heart and hug emoticons. So I basically had to write him a Dear John letter. I wrote each sentence in English and then translated the same sentence into Russian. I said everything twice so he ccouldn’t misunderstand me:

“Sorry no skype today. Busy day. I think you love me too much. Я чувствую, что ты любишь меня слишком много. You are too far away to be my boyfriend. Существует слишком большое расстояние для любви. I do not understand you a lot. You don't understand me a lot. Мы не понимаем друг друга. Языковой барьер. Большой проблемой. I am sure you can find a nice girl in your city. A nice girl nearby you. Вы живете в большом городе. Есть много хороших девочек там, я уверен. Вы мне нравитесь но я не могу быть твоей девушкой. I hope for happiness in your life. Я надеюсь, что для счастья в вашей жизни.”

I really don’t like to hurt any person’s feelings ever if I can avoid it so I decided to check in on him today by sending him a message on Skype when I saw that he was online. I was already concerned when he had the Russian phrase above posted on his page. When he responded, he was no longer even attempting to use English and was very short with me. So I suppose that was not meant to blossom into a friendship…

I didn’t spend my whole day online though. I actually did get out! I had breakfast with my awesome friend Jessica and then picked up a few random things at the store, like bananas, tea, straws, and my favorite type of fake butter. :-)

I feel a bit like I have to censor myself here on my own blog as it has gotten out and around. I would feel comfortable giving out a lot more information if I had the option of choosing my readers but sadly it doesn't work that way because a link can be passed around so easily. So to some extent, I'm always considering who will be reading this even though I'd rather not worry about that at all. Maybe it could be a lot more interesting if I felt I could say anything I like.

In need of a wingman/woman

I’ve been spending entirely too much time doing what amounts to nothing online so if anyone has any good book suggestions or maybe a hobby that would be good for me, I would love to hear it! Yesterday I made the mistake of getting on chatroulette.com. Don’t go there! Make a promise to me that you will never go there! This is not a place for the faint of heart. Biggest freak show I have ever experienced. I don’t know how much up close and personal male genitalia I was bombarded with. Way too much! And this is going to sound horribly mean, but I’ve also never seen so many incredibly odd looking people so quickly. People that are so … um…. interesting looking that they look as though they should be cartoon characters. I just mean a lot of really hideous individuals. I hate to sound like an asshole but if you tried it, you would see. But don’t try it!

 There is a sushi place not too far from where I live that I’ve been to several times since it opened a few months ago. It has become the go-to place to eat when I go out with my mom and when I go out with my dad. My mom usually wants to go out to eat on Friday night, so we went there again last night. I’m at the point now where I recognize almost all the staff because I’ve been there so many times, though I’m not sure that any of them would remember me since I’ve wore at 3 three different wigs during my visits. One of the guys who works behind the sushi bar making sushi is really cute though. We always sit at a table but I want to sit at the sushi bar sometime so I can make an attempt at conversation with him! Neither Mom nor Dad would really make the best wingman/woman though. So I’ll need a friend to go with me at some point to try to find out a bit more about him. :-D

Is it obvious even through this blog post that I’m feeling much better? If not, I am feeling much better than I was! I think this will just be how the chemo process is going to play out each time. I get the chemo and feel like crap, then slowly feel better until I’m almost like my old self, and then get chemo again and start the process all over. Just a cycle. So I think I should make the most out of the time between now and my next round of chemo on April 2^nd. 

One upside to chemotherapy? Much quicker showers. I don’t have any hair to wash or condition and my legs now stay silky smooth with zero effort on my part :-)

Star Stuff

Astrophysicist Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson was asked by a readerof TIME magazine, "What is the most astounding fact you can share with usabout the Universe?" This is his answer.

Some of you might not find this interesting but a friend sent this to me and I had to share. He said for him, this is as close to “spirituality” as he gets. And I just love Neil DeGrasse Tyson!

I’m on a website called tudiabetes that is basically a support community for people with diabetes. I joined a group on the site called “Diabetics with Cancer” recently and have been messaging a woman back and forth who has had symptoms similar to the ones I had before they found my tumor. She was worried that she might also have cancer and felt the doctor she talked to wasn’t taking her seriously. I’ve been telling her as much as I can about my symptoms and the whole process that I went through to find out I have cancer. I heard back from her and she finally got her cat scan and it looks like she might have a mass near her uterus. I sincerely hope that it is benign and not cancerous. I’m glad though that I could give her the information I have collected from my experiences because when I was trying to Google everything I was learning as I was finding it out after the doctors found my mass, I didn’t get much useful or personal information. So I feel like it’s a happy coincidence that we came across each other! 

So I finished the first season of Weeds on Netflix and I’ve gotten really into it. One of the characters on the show finds out she has breast cancer and starts doing a lot of crazy things, like flashing a teenage boy and cheating on her husband. I started to think maybe I should take a cue from her. Well, sort of... I don’t mean I want to do insane things that I will regret. I mean I should take more risks and go on more adventures. Live life to the fullest. All that cheesy shit. An example: when I get back to school I want to look into the semester abroad programs. I want to visit other countries and may not get any more chances in life, so I’m going to look into how well financial aid will cover this. Last semester I took some information about a month in Spain during the summer to learn more Spanish, but I never followed through because it seemed like a “scary” experience in some ways because I would be away from everything and everyone familiar. But that is just one thought that is rolling around in my head :-)

I’m too tired to think of what else I wanted to write about so that’s it for the day. Goodnight!