Charity Care

I am extra exhausted right now from driving all around trying to get together paperwork to apply for this “charity care” program that would help with my medical bills. They need everything short of a sample of my flesh. I wish I would have thought to do this when I was feeling much less shitty. I will probably need a nap as soon as I’m done writing this.

carboplatin

My mom found this information about carboplatin (one of my two chemo drugs) causing problems with balance: http://www.chemocare.com/managing/weakness.asp. It’s good to read this because every time I report my balance issues to the nurses at the cancer center, they seem to think it’s really strange. One even said it must be an issue related to high blood sugars. No ma’am, I have had diabetes for over 10 years and high blood sugars have never caused this sort of problem in all that time. 

Simply too tired to think of anything else to write. 

Zzzzzzzz……

Did Splenda give me cancer?

I can’t help wonder about that. I’ve been using a lot of Splenda for a long time. Despite this concern, I still use just as much. I should probably just stop using it because it’s so unnatural. Or at least cut back. My other worry is that my overpriced hair straightening treatments gave me cancer. Keratin hair treatments. These treatments contain formaldehyde. “A suspected carcinogen, formaldehyde is a colorless chemical compound with a pungent and irritating odor.” I never read much about this before I was diagnosed with cancer because I always desperately wanted my very curly hair to be stick straight. Very expensive and suspected to cause cancer… When my hair grows back, I will either embrace the curls or find a less scary way to straighten it. As far as whatever may have caused the cancer, I guess I’ll never know and I’d rather not blame myself since it sucks enough just having cancer. 

I finally finished the iris painting! Well, you can say I finished it or you can say I just got tired of messing with it. This is where I have decided to stop:

I’ll have to move on to a new art project of some sort to keep me busy.

Cancer Sniffing Dogs!

I wish I could have seen my tumor. On the CAT scan or in a jar of some sort…. whichever. I looked up “granulosa cell tumor” on Google images, but some of the results just made me feel nauseous. I found this (not very interesting but won’t make you puke):

I don’t feel as horrible as I expected to feel this week and I’m very pleased about that. I’ve been exhausted, my muscles are sore, my bones are hurting, and I have generally cold/flu symptoms, but I feel that I’m doing ok. My tummy is swelling up again with cancerous fluids which both worries me and makes me look fat. I don’t understand why it continues to swell up or why the hair on my head continues to grow ever so slowly. The damn chemo better be working. 

Still have a theory that my balance is screwed up because my body hasn’t adjusted to having just one ovary. I can’t even remember if it’s the left or right one that is missing now… oh well, it’s probably logged somewhere in this blog. The flaw in my theory is that my balance continues to get worse instead of better. 

Today I found out that dogs can be trained to sniff out whether or not a person has cancer: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/01/cancer-sniffing-dog_n_816961.html. Very interesting. Unfortunately, Emma’s only talents lie in napping, eating, and destroying things.

I'll try not to hold a grudge that she didn't warn me about my cancer :-P

Stupid Purple Flower...

What a real iris looks like:

What my iris currently looks like:

I am not done yet though! I am determined to get it to a point where I'm satisfied with it. Maybe it will take a month but so be it.

zombie mode

Today I went back to the hospital to get my neulasta shot (white count booster) and to get some IV fluids, because between the chemo and the steroids making my blood sugars high, I have been so damn dehydrated. Dr. Gore had put in an order for me to get fluids each time I come in for my neulasta shot the day after chemo. However, Dr. Gore is in Spain (still jealous!) this week and his power happy RN tried to tell me I didn’t need fluids. Um, well my doctor said that I do, so let’s just go with what he has ordered, k? I have diabetes and I’m getting chemo therapy… pump me full of those fluids! Luckily, I did not even have to talk to her today and got my fluids without any trouble. Dealing with someone on a power trip is never a fun experience. 

The happy moment when I noticed the fluids were almost done! Took over 2 hours!

I remember the good ol’ days when I felt good the day of chemo and the day after (today). Not anymore. I am sooo tired! And my skin is red today all over as if I got sunburned while nude (though I have not spent much time naked in the sun at all…). The nurse who was in charge of me today said it could be the steroids. My balance is also getting progressively worse. I almost fell when I went to get the mail after getting home from the hospital. I like being able to walk. I would like to keep that ability, please. I think when I started chemo and wasn’t feeling so terribly at first, and this is going to sound completely ridiculous, I just kind of thought of it as a new, interesting adventure. Venturing out into an unknown. Exciting. I no longer feel that way in the least and could slap myself for ever thinking that way. I will be so damn happy when this is over with. 

Every time I go in for chemo, the first thing they ask me is if I’ve been to the emergency room or been hospitalized since my last treatment. On a positive note, I have not gotten terribly sick at all since starting chemo so no, I have not been to the emergency or been hospitalized and am always happy to report this. I hope between the neulasta shots and the obsessive hand washing, it will stay that way. I am thankful I have not been stuck in the hospital since January. That was not a fun month for me at all. 

I haven’t made the progress I had hoped to make in improving my mind during this slow time (reading or studying Spanish or investigating something worthwhile) but maybe I can improve my body a bit. I get no exercise at all anymore and it makes me feel flabby and gross. I thought chemo would at least make me super skinny but my appetite has been fine and I have almost no issues with nausea now so I haven’t lost that much weight. I know I’m going back to being ridiculous again because I should be glad I’m not puking my guts out every day. Oh to be a woman in this society! So difficult not to be hung up on weight all the time. I am thinking of trying to go to yoga classes though. It might make me feel better. I probably won’t have the energy this week, but maybe next week will be better. 

And now I think it is time for a nap! I’m just not sure how to do it without waking her up…

Round #4

I got too hot quickly and the wig came off!

Right now I am sitting here getting chemo, eating a peanut butter sandwich, and drinking some coffee. I don’t feel the need to explain the whole process because I think I’ve done it twice before in this blog. My favorite of the nurses here told me I’m doing a great job and I’m an inspiration to her. Yet another person who thinks I’m stronger than I do! The nurses also got a wig donated that they saved for me because it made them think of me. It’s a red bob. It makes me feel good that they thought of me!  :-)

Dr. Gore is on vacation in Spain (I’m jealous!) so I won’t see him today. I told his nurse practitioner about my allergies starting to act up and my on again/of again sleep troubles. I also told her about my balance being off and also falling over a lot. She told me to up my dose of the medicine I take for sleep and see if that works. I am sure not getting consistent good sleep and drinking too much coffee has hurt my mood overall. I decided to cut way back on coffee.

It’s almost 2:00 PM now so everything is definitely running behind today. I really hope I don’t feel too horrible this week. I am not looking forward to it. The nurses continue to emphasis that I will feel worse with each treatment because they kind of build on you, but I have figured that out from experience. I really, really don’t want to feel any worse but I’m trying to remind myself that this will eventually be over with… hopefully at the end of May. Then I will start the process of slowing regaining my strength and energy (and the process of regrowing my hair!)

*EDIT*

Finally home! I saved my last ounce of energy to smile for this picture of my new wig:

I think this is just Mary 2.0

And now it is time for a much needed nap!

Double Rainbow, OMG!

I think part of the reason I haven't really felt up to writing here too much lately is I've just been frustrated and sad on and off more often. I'm just fucking tired of this chemo. I go in the morning for my 4th treatment and if all works out, I will only have 2 more after that. I had dinner with my friend Jessica tonight and this was in my fortune cookie:

That would be nice after all this bullshit is over with. I know it will eventually be over but I'm just tired of feeling awful and not looking forward to the promise of feeling worse and worse. I feel like my strength and positive attitude are draining away.

On a happier note, I managed to capture this double rainbow on the way home (yes, I should not have been taking pictures while driving...):

I did not react quite this animatedly though: http://youtu.be/OQSNhk5ICTI

Online vs. Real Life

My online friends that I chat with often are dwindling and I haven’t spent time with real life friends in a little while. My new counselor that I saw yesterday had a lot of good insights on friendships, online and real life. I actually liked her a lot and will definitely go back. I think she spent more time talking than I did but I didn’t mind in this case because everything she said felt useful to me. 

I guess I think of myself as having a sort of loner personality and not really needing a whole lot of social interaction, but I think I have been a bit lonely lately. I think with these online guys, I only really get a glimpse of the side of themselves they choose to present to me… their good sides. So I think I give them more credit than they deserve. However my ex pretend fiancé has only been just showing me his bad side (for the most part). He has been rude and unresponsive. Ok, I suppose I have been a bit pissy to him too. It’s almost like we have been married for a long time and don’t get along anymore. I told him that talking to him is no longer fun and so I don’t want to do it anymore. Divorced now. It might sound pathetic but I will really miss him because he was once so funny and easy to talk to. Also, I haven’t heard from my best Swedish friend (the one I made the drawing of) in over a week. I’m disappointed because I didn’t get any feedback from him about my horrible drawing, so I made another video for him!:

http://youtu.be/SCPnpevcKdo

Making the videos is somewhat fun so I might attempt to make a short video blog for a future post. The part that I don’t like is how long they take to upload to youtube. Both videos were less than a minute and yet took around 2 hours to upload. 

Aaron is coming to visit me today so I am excited about some extended, real life social interaction. I should actually get up and make myself presentable soon. Tomorrow I will have lunch with my real life father and then Sunday I will do something fun with my real life friend Jessica! Pack in some fun before chemo on Monday.

Who is that in the mirror?

What cancer has done to my body:

 

I haven't been in a writing sort of mood lately... more of a painting/drawing mood. I don't want to forget about my cancer blog though. Because this blog was created as a result of me getting cancer, I wanted to show the full effect of the cancer/chemo. The quality of the picture is horrible so you can't even clearly see everything I was trying to point out. This is my current state though. This is my body now. 

My next round of chemo is on Monday and I am not the least bit excited....

Happy Taco Tuesday!

I'm not in a bad mood but I'm not in the mood to write, so this is my post:

GOODNIGHT!

(half of these are for sleep)

Адам и Ева

I'm finally done! The scan caused some weird blurriness on the picture because it's laminated and Andrey's chest hair got mostly cut out because the painting was too big for the scanner, but here it is:

Mary and Andrey in the Garden of Eden

Some of you might recognize that this was inspired by an album cover. I'm pretty happy that Andrey looks like Andrey but I just look odd. Now I just need to finish the damn violet from Sunday.

I went to the Look Good...Feel Better makeup class today. I was the only person to show up and the makeup artist said I obviously knew how to put makeup on and there wasn't anything she could teach me, so I got my free makeup and left. Fine with me! They also gave me this wig:

This is Marie... the French version of me!

So close to being finished!

I have been neglecting this blog because I have been spending so much time on a painting. I think it will be a little bit better than the drawing I posted! I said I would be done yesterday but I’m just not quite finished yet. It’s hard to say when I will finish because I keep adding things. I will scan it and post it when I’m done though. I don’t want to say anything about what it is. I can be a surprise. :-)

And yesterday I worked on a different painting! My mom and I went to Sips n Strokes to paint a violet. It’s a class where you follow along as an instructor paints and you can bring wine if you like! Despite being there for 4 hours, I didn’t finish my painting and I’m not happy with the way it currently looks at all. I will try to finish it here at home. Here is what I have so far: 

Hopefully it will look like a flower when I'm done...

Today from 1:00 until 3:00, I’m going to a makeup class for women with cancer. Look Good…Feel Better. I already feel that I am pretty good with makeup, especially since I once did makeup a job, but I hope I can pick up some good tips. I also am excited about the free makeup they will give us! Free is always good and hopefully the class will be fun. 

Well, that’s all I have to say for now because I want to spend more time on my paintings. Hopefully I will be done with both soon!