I still feel exhausted mentally and physically… and just
sort of sick… but my mood has been a lot better for a while now. I think it has
a lot to do with my attempt at eating healthier and taking good vitamins and
supplements. However today I started to wonder if I should be feeling more
upset or scared. When I think of the possibility of the chemotherapy permanently
affecting my vital organs and cognitive abilities, I feel extremely distressed.
I can’t really get into what chemo might do to my body because I purposefully
avoid looking into it. However, when I was in the lobby at the cancer center on
Tuesday waiting to get IV fluids, I read an article in some cancer magazine
about people reporting cognitive impairment for years after getting
chemotherapy. The thought that chemo could cause me to be less intelligent has
put me in a bad state emotionally. I want it to really be over when it’s over.
I want everything to go back just the way it was before. I want to go back to
being busy, having long hair, and living in the delusional mental frame in
which I could never possibly get cancer. Then no more crazy medical conditions
for the rest of my long and wonderful life…
I need to do something to take my mind off of this. It’s
strange that if I pretend I’m ok for long enough, I usually start to really
feel ok.
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