Sweet Talk

If you're still alive

My regrets are few

If my life is mine

What shouldn't I do?

I get wherever I'm going

I get whatever I need

While my blood's still flowing

And my heart still beats . . .

Hello friends, family members, acquaintances, concerned strangers, and spectators…

I no longer have the slightest idea of who is reading my blog, but, at least from my perspective, the view count is high so I’m not just talking to myself here. 

I have not eaten any actual food in about 7 hours but I am currently feeling too exhausted to get up out of my bed, obtain something to eat, chew it up, swallow it, and digest it. Also, it was only about 30 minutes ago that I was standing out in the heat of the day, quietly repeating the phrase, “Don’t throw up” over and over to myself. This morning, when I was in a much better state, I made a mental list of errands I would run today. The practical voice in my head reminded me of how awful I feel when I try to do too much at once and I mentally crossed off everything on the list except the errands that were absolutely necessary. That cut it down to just 3 stops. It might have been fine had I left first thing in the morning to avoid the Alabama heat, but I left midday. Bad call. The first thing I had to do was drive to the Kirklin Clinic at UAB hospital to talk to someone about the charity care application (for help with medical bills) I’ve been working on. I had several questions but every time I tried to just call to get my answers, no one would pick up the phone. Bastards… 

*PAUSE FOR FOOD CONSUMPTION*

Now I feel a lot better. Still very tired but much better. 

Where was I? Oh right… Anyway, I felt that it was necessary to get these questions answered today because I needed to find out if patient services at UAB received a letter from my oncologist about my condition (cancer). I’ve had a problem with requests for letters from him (for school and scholarships) slipping through the cracks. I suppose I could have just called the cancer center to ask if a letter was mailed or faxed to UAB but whoever I end up talking to when I call up there always seems extremely confused by every single thing I say to her, so making a trip all the way downtown seemed like an easier option. Since I found out UAB did not get this letter, I can talk to Dr. Gore directly about it when I see him in the morning and completely avoid a dreadful conversation this mysterious and easily confused lady. 

After I got all my questions answered, I had to drive to my head doctor’s office to pick up a prescription sheet for Adderall XR. I was told I had to physically pick up the prescription sheet each month because Adderall XR is a Class II drug and therefore cannot be just called in to a pharmacy like all of my other medications. Sounds really sketchy but it has been working really well as my anti-depressant. This transaction only takes about 2 minutes but it’s really inconvenient to make the drive all the way to this doctor’s office each month, especially now that I’m feeling shitty so often. I only had to wait about 15 minutes at the pharmacy down the road for the pharmacist to fill the prescription but it was during these 15 minutes that I started to feel ridiculously awful and nauseous. I went in the restroom to check to see if my blood sugar was ok (it was) and so I would be near a toilet if I had to puke. Someone actually turned out the lights on me while I was in the stall feeling terrible. I didn’t even care. After leaving the pharmacy with my legal amphetamine, I had to prop up my head with my hand and my elbow on the glove box the whole drive home because I was so exhausted and sick. I hate summers in Alabama and I have a feeling summer in Alabama while getting chemo is going to be atrocious. I felt so bad when I got home that I scared both my parents by texting them to say, “I feel like I’m dying.” Now that I’ve eaten and rested in bed for a while, I think I’ll live. 

Today I was told, “You're a vital looking mother fucker.” Makeup helps. As does my pretend hair collection. Anyway, I love it when a man sweet talks me…

Current issue: I really hate that the children next door make the exact same noise when they are having fun that it seems like they would make if they were being murdered. It’s really unsettling. 

In the morning, I will find out my chemo fate.