NERDS! NERDS! NERDS!

I always get TWO automated calls from the cancer center to remind me to show up for chemo. Why two? And who forgets to show up for chemo? I imagine if someone isn’t there for that appointment, it was a conscious (but probably stupid) decision. 

I read today that my pee is not the optimal color (clear or light yellow) and myfitnesspal says I’m not getting enough potassium. That’s somewhat stressful. On my list of things that concern me but that I will probably neglect to correct. 

I was feeling really awful this morning. Possibly from withdrawals from the medicine I stopped taking (nausea, headache, and muscle soreness). Normally I feel at my best in the morning. I considered starting to take the medicine again (my doctor said I could if I had problems) but then I looked up the side effects. Parkinson symptoms, abnormal movements of facial muscles and tongue, increased hunger and weight gain were all listed as common side effects for the medicine! No thanks! I think I’ll tough out the withdrawals. Mercifully, as soon as I started working on statistics for homework, I felt 10 times better. I think math might be more comforting to me than painting…

And now I need to try to make myself look like a normal human for the party with my friends from work. A lot of effort even though I know I won’t feel well enough to stay long.

Oompa Loompa

I tend to overhear parents saying the strangest things to their small children. This leads me to think that parents tend to say strange things to their children often. I have zero experience with parenting and almost zero experience with small children, so I try not to make judgments or assumptions. Today, as I was walking into the store to get medicine for Emma’s upset tummy, I overheard a mother say to her very young daughter, “Do you want mommy to go to jail today?” I caught this question completely out of context so it leaves much room for speculation…  

Tired but that’s nothing new. I put some self-tanner on that I haven’t used since last summer. I’ve gone from ghostly white to what most other people consider to be pale. My summer glow!

Prefer being pale to this look

That’s it for today.

Let’s find out together!

A new review of my blog just came in!:

“Speaking of bitches, you're a gigantic one.  I work from home on Fridays, and I got jack-diddly done this past one because I was reading your blog front to back.  Way to be a procrastination-enabler and an engaging read.  Bitch.”

I might have to make a page of reviews. Pump up my fragile ego a bit. 

I feel a bit less stressed out about the future and more in the moment after getting so much classwork done yesterday. Current career plan I’m exploring: accountant. Backup plans: sex therapist, cultural anthropologist, ballerina, Swede, starving artist, pilot, body guard, hateful stare specialist, nuclear physicist, wild bear, writer of historical fiction, dog walker, sous chef, Cuban rapper, philosopher, bar whore, computer programmer, submarine… captain?, bounty hunter, cartoon character, arsonist, garbage collector …  etc.

I counted and the minimum number of pills I take per day is 21. This number makes me really uncomfortable. Today I saw one of my doctors and he reduced this number to 20. Unfortunately, this is part of an experiment to find out if I have bipolar disorder or not. By the way, I know some of the links I put here are silly, but if you do not know much about bipolar disorder, please find the time to look into the illness because I’m quite tired of hearing people use “bipolar” as a synonym for bat shit crazy, much like some people use “gay” as a synonym for bad or stupid…. STOP IT! Because of all the stereotypes associated with bipolar disorder, I was able to admit to getting so depressed that I tried to kill myself in a post… but never mentioned bipolar disorder. My doctor and I are not sure if I am bipolar or if I was misdiagnosed because I was leading an insane and horribly irresponsible lifestyle a few years ago. We shall find out. Don’t mistake my attitude for casual though. I was only on one medication used to treat bipolar disorder – the lowest dose possible – but this change still has me a bit worried. If my posts start to go off the deep end (weirder than my typical weird personality) then… call 911! (Please do not call 911 based on anything I say in this blog… Obviously…) 

It’s getting harder and harder to make myself look like… me. I always feel like my wigs look obviously fake, sometimes I look too tired for any amount of makeup to correct, and I estimate that I’m currently at 80% eyebrow and eye lash loss. Putting on my makeup used to be one of my favorite parts of the day, but it’s just not as fun anymore. Now when a stranger looks at me, I’m sure it’s not because that person thinks I’m pretty. It’s because I obviously have cancer. :-(

Even though this is getting long, I don’t want to end on a negative note. Some friends from work (well, I’m not technically employed anymore) are having a little party on Friday night. I’m going to go for as long as my low energy level will allow. I’m excited to spend time with so many friends I haven’t seen in a while!

Quantitative Methods in Business

If you saw the title of this post and are still reading… well, that’s a bit surprising. I’ll keep this one pretty brief though. Part of the reason I was putting off getting started on the work for this class is because I was sure it was going to be boring and difficult. Yes, that is completely illogical but I was making every excuse not to start. Today I finally opened my book for the first time. I did all my readings and homework for the section in a few hours, then I took the test and made a 96 out of 100! I don’t deserve much credit for doing so well since it turned out to be a really easy test, but I feel so relieved to have found out this course will not be difficult at all. 

Now it’s time to find some way to celebrate! (sleep)

 

Blank

Someone who passed through my life briefly when I was a child left only one memory behind, but it is distinct. Distinct memories are rare for me. She told me that not everyone will like me no matter what I do or say and that is something I just have to learn to accept. This sounds like an obvious bit of wisdom but it impacted me greatly at the time and I still have to remind myself of that basic piece of logic from occasionally.

I don’t think of you often anymore but I thought of you today. Recollections of my time spent with you faded quickly and I can no longer picture your face clearly in my mind. I still feel wounded that you do not even wish to speak to me because when I do think of you, I miss our conversations. I suppose it’s really some leftover emotion that I miss since any specifics to do with you are no longer clear. You are not even reading this. Another failure in a long line of emotional disasters. Maybe it’s a blessing that I have such a horrible memory. Or maybe it’s the reason I don’t seem to be learning from my mistakes. 

When I’m feeling down and out, everything seems bleaker. I had decided not too long ago that I would major in accounting and become an accountant. I told myself this was not to be questioned and took some comfort in my absolutist decision. I told myself I don’t have the luxury of doing whatever I like because of the health problems that keep piling onto me. I need a stable job with a good income and health insurance. I really need to be able to take care of myself. Even though I think accounting might be a great fit for me, I’m not sure and I’ve been feeling a bit panicky about it the last couple of days. This comes back to me being really impatient and wanting everything to be accomplished or answered immediately. I’m set to take my first accounting class starting at the end of August and I need just calm down and see how it goes. See how I just used this paragraph and my blog to talk some sense into myself? I might as well have started out this post with “Dear Diary…” or just have a conversation with myself aloud. 

I feel a bit better though. :-)

This is Emma’s new playmate, who has been renamed Amos. He’s a sweet dog and thankful they really seem to like each other and play well together. He had been living under a house and had both mange and heartworms until someone found him and nursed him back to health. Emma still looks really fat standing next to him though. 

Bucket List

I would like to take up a few sentences to apologize if my posts are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. Since beginning chemo, I am simply not as mentally sharp as I was before and I truly hate that. I do my best to try to hunt any mistakes down and correct them before I post, but I’m not even as good at proofreading as I once was. So please forgive my currently limited imagination, grammatical atrocities, and any random words that simply make no sense in the context of the sentence it is contained in. Thanks!

Today my mom is driving to Georgia to check out a dog she might want to adopt. His name is Jarvis and he is a yellow lab like Emma. She took Emma with her to meet Jarvis and to see if they will get along, so I am alone without my buddy today.  :-(

Emma Doodle

 I am torn between wanting to go somewhere because I have a mild case of cabin fever and wanting to stay at home all day because going out tends to suck the life force out of me. For now my only plan for the day is to start on my homework for Quantitative Methods in Business (even though the class doesn’t technically start for a few more days) and possibly watching Låtden rätte komma in because I was told it’s a really good film. I want to get a bit of a head start on the homework for this class because we will be moving through the material very quickly over the span of just one month. I also want to get started today because I think the material will be extremely boring so I feel it is better not to put it off. I will take the stage makeup course at the same time as this business course, then during the second summer semester, Introduction to Microeconomics and Introduction to Computers. 

Inspired by the movie The Bucket List (which I enjoyed but would definitely not include in my list of favorite films), I have decided to make my own bucket list. For anyone who might be unaware of what a bucket list is, it’s a list of things you want to do before you die. I hope to be alive for a long, long time but I thought it would be interesting to come up with things I’d like to accomplish in order to motivate myself to make those dreams actually happen. So far I just have “travel the world” which is sort of ambiguous but there are just so many places I’d like to go. Now to come up with more than just one wish…

Much Gratitute/Cancer Haiku

Lately a handful of people have really stepped up and helped me out a lot by sending me some money. I can’t thank these generous people enough for helping me get by during these difficult times. One of these kind-hearted individuals also has a blog where he shares poetry and prose he has written. If you are interested in checking it out, go here: http://loveaspoetry.blogspot.com/

I felt inspired to write a few cancer haiku just for fun:

Little ovary 

You became a bad tenant

But I miss you so

-----------------------------

The surgeon attacks!

Die exploding tumor die!

I don’t mind the scar

-----------------------------

Leave me be cancer

I really fucking hate you

Do your job chemo

Please note this is not meant to be great poetry and I am very aware that it is not!

I think I’ve mentioned a few times in previous blog posts that chemo was causing me some trouble with balance. Lately I’ve noticed that either it hasn’t been an issue or I’ve adjusted to it. My newest trouble is running into things, usually around the house. I don’t know that I can blame chemo for this. Oftentimes I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I’m oblivious to everything going on outside of my head… including walls and chairs. That might make me sound insane, but I’m posting it anyway. :-)

I wonder if I’ll change the name of this blog when I go into remission. I was told the type of cancer I have is quite likely to crop up again, however I don’t want to live my life with cancer on my mind all the time. I might be too busy after all this is over with to post as often. I’ve gotten used to having to live at such a slow pace, and to be really conservative about even going out, that I think getting adjusted back to some normalcy will take time. From what I’ve gathered from various sources, it will take months to get my energy levels back to pre- …. all of this. I feel like the finish line (well, sort of) is in sight and I hope hope hope that despite the warnings that my type of cancer has a high level of reoccurrence, I will never have to go through this nightmare again.