HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!

Today is my dad's birthday! Because he was born on February 29th, he technically only gets a birthday every four years, lol. Today really is February 29th though and we are about to go out for sushi for lunch!


Now I want to share something that really meant a lot to me. I worked with a very sweet, awesome girl a while back who has now moved on to a better life and hopefully a better new job in Colorado. When she found out I have cancer, she posted a link to my blog on her blog and wrote the nicest things about me! I've never seen so many nice things written about me at once! She said it was ok, so I want to post it here.

This is what she wrote in it's original Swedish: http://linneaiusa.com/2012/02/16/blogg-tips/

This is what google translates it into (it always makes a bit of a mess of the translation):

"When we lived in Alabama then I worked at Cheesecake Factory ... The world's worst job in the world's poorest state. Cheesecake Factory was really a hell and I respect all who work as waitresses in the U.S., the heroes. Or all but the Cheesecake Factory at the time, they were worthless colleagues and I have never seen the backstabbing and sexual harassment as openly and as widely accepted. But there was one girl there who was nice, stretching out a hand, while all other colleagues put out the tripping. (Ok, it was not so bad, but I was, and bitter). Her name was Mary, a beautiful redhead donna with pure southern accent.

Mary has had cancer. Cervical cancer. 26 years old.

She starts blogging about The Adventures of Cancer and she is so damn damn damn strong. I think you should read her blog where she was tongue in cheek writing that she needs to get married as soon as she is in September no longer covered by her parents' insurance, and together with her earlier condition as diabetic and now as a cancer patient will be difficult to find a insurance companies take her for a reasonable cost. Or when she was three days before her chemotherapy comes that she wants to have sex while she still has hair and sends desperate lie sms to old rag. Then add that she works at Cheesecake Factory. A woman of steel!

Fantastic blog, terrible fate, awesome girl."

It almost makes me cry it is so sweet! The only thing she got a little bit mixed up about was the type of cancer, but that's because I haven't been very good at remembering to include all the details when telling people about it and posting about it. I think just as many good things about her: even before we really spoke much, I thought she seemed like a very smart and strong person. I've been working on reading her blog and was happy to discover a button to translate from Swedish to English! It's really interesting, about her life in the US and her new marriage. I'm glad to see that she is in a place that makes her happy now! 

Well, I better get up and get ready! I need to leave soon for lunch with Dad. 

**EDIT**

Happy Birthday face!

Yesterday someone asked me if my port looked like something from the Matrix (hahaha) so I decided to post a picture of it:

I didn't really get a good picture because you really only see the scar, but it's actually raised up a little where the port is. I couldn't seem to capture that well. No, they don't slice open the scar each time to do chemo! That would suck. They plug the iv into the port as if it's a vein somehow. I don't really understand it completely and I was too freaked out to watch them plug it in last time. Next time I'll have to watch. I know the port leads into a vein and that's how the chemo drugs get into your system. I found this picture that might make it a bit clearer:

That picture is making it look a bit more intense to me and now I'm just grossed out.

a list

I said I wanted to accomplish some things today and here they are(I’m going to try to list everything so it seems more impressive): picked up prescription from drugstore, ate an entire chick-fil-a chicken biscuit, brought up a basket of dog toys from the garage (Emma thought it was xmas even though these are toys she’s had a while), felt confident enough that there will be no more mouse visitors that I restocked my drawers with my clothes (even divided up my “nicer” shirts and lounge-y shirts), replaced hand towel in bathroom, washed some clothes (even though I’m sure it’s not necessary, I’m rewashing all my underwear because I’m still so freaked out about that damn mouse), took a shower, found the present I had intended to give to my grandmother for her birthday that had gone missing, picked out my pretend wedding dress (probably creepy), managed to pull my hair back most of the way (I was having a little more trouble than I should with this now that my hair is short!), put away all my various new hats and scarves, I was trying to take a picture of my ascites (abdomen fluid buildup) but my vanity won out in that case, did a full face of makeup (for absolutely no reason) and unsuccessful tried out my “lip tattoos”… I’m going to stop the list here because it’s getting a bit ridiculous. 

Maybe this means I’m rebounding from my first round of chemo. I hope so!

body image

As an insecure type of girl, I can't remember ever feelings like I didn't want to lose a few pounds or at least get in better shape by working out hardcore. Now, for the first time, I have to worry about getting in enough calories. Such a dramatic change. I can't eat much at a time now and I don't usually get hungry so I have to remind myself when it's time to eat. My doctor told me I might have to treat food as if it's medicine, I might not want any or think about it, but I need it and have to stay on schedule with eating. Blander foods seem to work best. Spicy or fatty hasn't worked out well in most cases. I've ended up mostly just wanting the same few foods: chocolate protein shake mixed with coffee every morning, and at some point during the day, there will be a greek yogurt and later (or earlier) some frosted mini wheats. Because of the situation, I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I'm liking being a bit skinnier. I don't want to lose more weight and blow away in a strong wind, but I really do think it's true that when all the actresses and models you see (the ones who are suppose to be our ideal of beauty) are all super slim or just scrawny it's hard for this not to affect the psyche of the average woman. In my real world experience, it seems like more men prefer to have something to grab a hold of during sex. Because I had lost a lot of weight (too much weight) at one point a few years ago and it really screwed with my head, I don't want to go through a repeat of that, emotionally. After losing all that weight, so many people were telling me to my face I looked great, but I found out that behind my back, people were saying I looked awful and must be on drugs. It really messed with my head and it took me a long time to recover. I even went to a body image class for while, though it didn't feel like I fit in because the women were much older and for the most part obese. They probably also thought I didn't fit in.I guess I'm trying to say that we, as women, should just try to be healthy and love ourselves as we are.

Goal for today: accomplish something. Nothing big. I don't have the energy for big. I've just spent so much time glued to my computer that's it's making me feel worthless. I could actually start on one of my books, or put my clothes away, or apply for scholarships. Maybe more than one of those if I'm feeling really ambitious and my coffee does it's job properly.

I also have a pretend wedding to plan, but that counts as being glued to the computer. Yes, I have acquired a pretend fiance who has agreed to pretend marry me. Something to keep me occupied, haha. I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog so won't be embarrassed I wrote about it. We've already run into a snag though because I'm pretty sure I don't want any children and he does. I think this pretend marriage is doomed to a pretend divorce.

No me gusta

Nap time was poorly planned today. My bedroom is right next to neighbor's driveway/basketball court. Not at all excited about how into basketball these kids are now. I think they are the only kids not inside playing video games. Lucky me.

Paw Paw

I'm starting to tear up before even beginning to write this. This picture is of (left to right) my cousin Andrew, me with my red curls, and my brother Ryan. Behind us is my Paw Paw, my grandfather. I think looking at his happy smile in this picture is what is making me want to cry the most. I have a lot of memories of him smiling at me. Paw Paw struggled with cancer to a much greater extent than I am. It really seems he was getting every type of cancer there is. I was too young to understand any of it, I just knew he was a great and kind grandfather and I loved him very much. I don't think I even understood that he was sick back then. But eventually all the battles with cancer took his life when I when still very young. I remember going to see him in the hospital right before he died and being afraid and confused. I didn't understand why he left us until I was much older. Going through this is making me miss him even more. I wish I could have known him now, as an adult. All the memories I have are very fuzzy and this is the only picture that I have of him. I think I'm going to stop writing for now because I'm on the verge of a much needed cry.

Dating and chemo?

I've been on this dating site for years. It's a free site and a lot more laid back than say match.com. I think I originally joined because a guy I was really into was on it and I wanted to scope out his profile (kind of creepy, I know). Wow, I must have been on and off this site for about 6 years. No, I'm not embarrassed about it either. Yes, I've met up with some weirdos (mutant guy and crazy guy who talked so loudly that everyone in the coffee shop had to stare), but I made some real friends too and it resulted in a two year relationship. Though that relationship didn’t work out, I wouldn’t undo it if I could. But this website has fun tests and a neat matching algorithm. I know some of you will think this is lame no matter what I say about it, but because I have cancer, I can be as lame as I want and it’s ok :-)

So I posted the link to my blog on my profile on this site. Since then, the quality of the messages I get on the site has increased dramatically. Messages of encouragement, messages from people who had cancer or know someone who did, and the always welcome messages that simply say, “I think you will still look hot bald.” What’s surprising is the amount of offers I’ve gotten to be taken out on a date. Really? Am I more appealing with cancer or just more approachable? Fellows, you might think you want to take me out to dinner, but I’ll be exhausted and no fun the whole time, and there is a decent chance I will throw up my meal. Still interested? If this is about you thinking my pictures are pretty, I’m concerned that my looks are going to steadily decline, between an upcoming lack of hair and my steady weight loss. In theory, it might be nice to go out and get a taste of romance and/or sex, but in reality, I don’t think things would go so smoothly. My level of energy says, “Stay in bed!” Current relationship status: only available for online chatting. 

On a cancerous note, today someone asked me what stage my cancer was, and I knew the answer straight away, “Stage 3.” But I couldn’t remember exactly what that means so I had to go and look it up. It’s a good thing my mom keeps a log of all this stuff because I’m not hanging on to all of it mentally. 

I found out I can get a free wig from the Cancer Society so I might go do that at some point. I’d like a short wig for upcoming warmer days.  Maybe blonde?

some funny

Don't really have much to say today so I thought I'd just post these:

Some thoughts on attitude

I know what I want to try to say in this post that I’m about to write but there’s a pretty good chance it will come out in one big jumbled mess. I’m delving into more personal waters again and depending on where this goes as I’m writing, I might share some things I would normally keep from everyone except the closest of “my people.” I’m still deciding how personal this blog that is read by some familiars and some unfamiliars is going to get, so I’ll just get started and see where I end up.

I’ve heard over and over that I’m strong and brave, and while it feels amazing to hear these great qualities ascribed to me, I don’t feel that I have done anything special other than having the unfortunate luck of getting cancer. Everyone is surprised that I have such a good attitude about all this, and honestly, I am too. I’m not the type of person to say, “Everything happens for a reason,” but if this had to happen to me, in a way, it happened at the best possible time. This is because I struggled with depression for years and it was only this last year that I felt happy, capable, and “normal.” Equipped to handle cancer.

I don’t understand my depression or depression in general. I know of people that sink into a deep, dark hole after a really traumatic event, but even though I’ve been through bad times and struggles, my depression always seemed more internal. Something was not right in my head and so medicines were prescribed to help. This “journey” cannot be captured in a paragraph, or even a blog post, so I won’t even try. But it reached its worst point a couple of years ago. I was seeing a doctor that felt each problem that cropped up with me could be solved by adding on an additional medication. No medicine was ever changed or just dropped, he just kept adding more and more. Why didn’t I feel better? I had never felt worse. I felt like a suicidal zombie. Another doctor later looked into all these medications and said, “No wonder you are so depressed you can barely function!” He called the medicines “neuro-depressants.” I didn’t get help in time though and wasn’t capable of helping myself. I lay awake every night, unable to sleep, only thinking of getting out of bed to kill myself, until one night I tried to do just that. Luckily, someone was there with me who saved my life. Someone I’ll never forget. After getting off all those medications, I slowly got better and started seeing a better doctor. Now I think I just feel the way a person should feel. My point in telling that very difficult to tell story is that if this cancer had come up back then, I don’t think I could have been strong or brave. I can’t imagine being able to handle it at all before now.

Now that I’ve shared this piece of information that I share with almost no one, I want to make sure this doesn’t come across as a “psych meds are bad!” story. I know and have argued with people who would disagree with me, but some people really need these medications. I think there is a big problem with misdiagnosis, over medication, and lack of personal attention from doctors, but there are people with mental conditions that simply have to be treated with some kind of medication. I still take a type of antidepressant. I take Adderall, which is not a typical antidepressant, but has made a huge difference for me… especially now. It is tempting for me to say that Adderall would be great for a lot of people on chemotherapy because it helps get me going. It can be hard for me to get out of bed some days knowing that I really don’t have anything to do. It gives me a little boost and yes, I think it contributes to the positive attitude.

I’m putting myself out there again and so I’ll add another disclaimer: don’t send me messages saying people who try to kill themselves are selfish and don’t send me messages saying psych meds are bad! I didn’t get anything but nice messages from the last very personal post so I’m not so worried this time.

Visit from Daddio

Yesterday, the coughing and chest/throat pain got bad quickly and due to a debatable fever, the doctor told me to start taking the antibiotics I was given to keep on hand. I felt shitty on and off most of yesterday, with the day ending with some pretty unpleasant bone pain. My blood sugar got low around "dinner time" (I don't really follow normal meal times anymore) so I was able to eat a lot more than I typically would: a banana, a Stouffer's salisbury steak tv dinner, and a little bit of ice cream. I guess it's good to pack in some calories when I'm up to it because usually just a yogurt is enough.

My dad came to visit me early this morning because he was worried about me after the somewhat rough day I had yesterday. Right now he's watch That Thing You Do! while I blog and drink my coffee/protein shake mixture. He works nights so he pretty much came straight over here from work. He's a sweet dad.

I'm on hair loss watch now. Monday will be that day they said the hair could start coming out. I mean, it might not come out but I'm not counting on that. I think I've accepted it though I don't know if I'll have some surprise emotional moment when it does come out. It seems like a lot of my emotional moments are "surprise emotional moments." It'll come out in clumps when it does and at that point I'll just shave it. I guess I'll post some bald pics though it's not nearly as fun to me as the wig pics and such. I'm curious to see what I will look like. Maybe I'll start to wear even more makeup to somehow balance it out. Or that's a silly idea. I saw a cute scarf I wanted that was pink with giraffes on it, but it was $15 so I held off. I'm trying to be extremely frugal right now.

a bit of good news today!

I want to say really quickly that I'm probably not the best person to be writing my own blog. I tend to forget things that might be somewhat interesting or important. But I will continue to do the best I can.

The good news I mentioned in my title: We caught the little mouse! My mom had put out a little box trap for him to scurry inside to get some cheese... but then he's stuck in there. I heard all this happen last night and because he was still alive in the little box, there was going to be no way I would be able to sleep listening to him. There was also no way I was going to touch that box! Mom to the rescue! She took off the box, I guess down to the garage for the night, and then took him off to be set free in the woods somewhere this morning. Such a relief. I can actually put all my clothes back in my drawers (after a healthy dose of lysol) and not have to worry about them getting pooped on or chewed up. I imagine my compromised immune system and mouse shit do not go well together.

Everyone looks so healthy and happy in these pictures

I think in my post yesterday I mentioned that I wasn't having any of the bone pain I was warned about from the neulasta shot I got Tuesday. Well, it started in about midday yesterday and by the end of the day was really uncomfortable and I was having trouble moving well. I did make it to the appointment I had with my new counselor, Sharon, though. She was nice and a good listener, and agreed that I seemed to be holding up really well despite the unfortunate circumstances. I didn't really tell her anything that I haven't been telling family members and friends though, so we'll see how ultimately helpful it will be. One thing she said that I really liked was not to feel bad about cancelling an appointment with her if I was having a day where I was feeling awful. I guess chemo is going to just be a one day at a time thing.

Today I'm feeling ok overall. Some leftover bone pain, nausea that passed a couple of hours ago, coughing, and a little bit of tightness in my chest for some reason. Nothing too bad though. I need to count this as feeling great in case things get a lot worse. I just spent some time responding to very nice messages from strangers and will probably go back to doing that now from the comfy "nest" I've made for myself in bed.

I guess it's Wednesday :-)

As suspected, I didn't feel quite so hot when I woke up this morning as I did yesterday, even though I slept fairly well last night. Steroids have worn off. My stomach was hurting, I was coughing, I felt like I couldn't wake up, and it seemed like I had developed a UTI. I called the doctor about the possible UTI, because it was on the list of things to call about, but the nurse told me she thought it was just a side effect of the chemo and to drink lots of fluids (but of course to call if it gets worse!) I'm feeling a bit better now that I'm really awake and drinking some coffee. One of the nausea meds tends to make me really drowsy at times but I was able to eat some greek yogurt and cereal this morning (pretty exciting, right?). The shot I got yesterday to boost my white blood count was suppose to make my bones hurt but it really hasn't so far. For some reason, they recommend the allergy medicine Claritin to help with the bone pain, so I guess it really works for some reason...

Soon though, I'm really going to get up, shower, and get ready for an appointment at 3:00. Even though I feel like I'm holding together really well emotional, the doctor recommend I talk to a therapist/psychologist/counselor. So I have an appointment. I'm half worried that even though I'm fine now, after talking about feelings for an hour, repressed unpleasantness will come up and I'll be a wreck. I can be a bit of a worrier. Hopefully she (Sharon) will be nice and it will be somewhat helpful to talk about all this crazy stuff.

My mouse friend/fiend has returned. I heard him scurrying around the night after I had chemo. I took all my clothes out of my drawers because I simply do not want mouse shit on all my clothes all over again. We put in a neat little box trap that will hopefully catch him. He goes inside to get the cheese and gets stuck in there but does not die. Then he can be released somewhere far, far away from here!

"therapy dog"

Above you see our "little" monster, Emma. She is about a year old and a complete handful. So sweet but there is really no way around saying that she is a naughty dog. She destroys anything and everything for fun. I put her outside because it's nice and sunny today. Then I heard her chewing up the furniture on the back porch so I tried letting her back in. Bad idea. She stole two hats I'd gotten as gifts and was running amok with them. I gave her a treat to get the hats back safely (a treat for being bad!) but then she decided to get in the trash can. So now she is back outside again. I guess it's the best I can do. I don't know how well babysitting her will go if I start to feel really awful though.

Optional help button

You may have noticed to the right of my blog that I've added a donation button. It was suggested to me that this might be a good idea. I haven't worked in almost two months and will probably not be able to work for a few more months, and I've already gotten 4 medical bills in the mail. Obviously, this button is just for those kind-hearted individuals who have a bit to spare. This button is not meant to be pushy, so I hope it doesn't come across that way. I know my friends at work have already pitched in for me and I appreciate them greatly! I used some of that money to buy what I'm calling "chemo food." Protein shakes, yogurt, bananas, cheerios, ice cream, saltines. We'll see what works out best.

Btw, I'm not above posting pics of me in my underoos for that money! (KIDDING!!!)

On a different note, I think the steroids are wearing off now. I'm really tired and my throat is starting to get sore. 

New wig

I like it!

This is the wig they gave me for free at the cancer center yesterday. It's fun to try a completely different color! I think it suits me though I could be wrong :-P

I woke up feeling great this morning. Not bad or nauseous. I think I've still got the effects of all the medicines they gave me yesterday carrying over. They said when the steroids wear off, I'll feel tired (probably tomorrow).

Well, I better get off the computer. I have to go get my shot to raise my white blood count. I finally remembered what it's called: neulasta

Round 1

Right before all the action

I’m sitting here right now getting my chemotherapy not feeling bad at all. I’ve been here almost 6 hours and I have about 3 hours left to go. I probably only slept about 2 hours last night because I just felt miserable for various reasons. I was cold, my stomach was hurting a lot, I was really anxious about today, and I got really nauseous. I feel fine now though, just hanging out in this somewhat comfy chair.

We were running a bit late today (again) because the drama of last night caused us both to over sleep. When I got here they had to take my temperature, my blood pressure, and take some blood from my port to make sure I was healthy enough for the chemo. I was really nervous about them messing with the port because it’s still sore but it wasn’t too bad. The worst was when the nurse has to poke around on it to figure out where to stick the IV. But the nurses here are all over the top, super nice so one even insisted on holding my hand during that whole process, which always seems to help for some reason.  I think it makes sense that nurses would need to be extra nice when dealing with people with cancer.

The first type of chemo had to be administered gradually because there was a chance of an allergic reaction. They gave me some Benadryl before that chemo so I ended up asleep for a while. No allergic reaction though! Right now I’m on the second type of chemo which will take about an hour. I couldn’t tell you why I need two types or really what the difference is between the two. Bad patient! Because the steroids they’re giving me are making my blood sugars high, I have to stay a couple of extra hours just to get fluids.

One of the nice nurses gave me a hat and a cute brown wig that had been donated. I’ll take a picture of it at some point. But surprisingly, for now at least, I’m feeling better sitting here getting chemo than I was at home tired and throwing up a lot of my food. Hopefully I’ll feel this good tomorrow! I think the nurse said that in about a week my immune system would be at its worse. I’ll have to be extra careful about washing my hands and staying away from sick people. Dr. Gore came by while I was all groggy and noticed that my ascites (abdomen fluid buildup) has gotten worse, so he says they will have to drain it if the chemo doesn’t help with that.

I’ve been getting a lot of presents and gift baskets but my friend Jessica brought me something really just overwhelming last night. My friends (second family) at work had pooled together over $500 for me! So incredibly thoughtful! I know it’s a big deal to spare any amount of money, especially some nights at Cheesecake, so it’s such an amazing gift. I haven’t worked for almost 2 months and the doctor doesn’t think I can work for a few more, so this really helps a lot! I really have to make my money stretch right now. I sent out a message thanking everyone but it doesn’t seem like enough. I wish I could give all of them a big hug individually!

That’s all I can think of for now. I hope my laptop keeps me good company because it’s all I brought and no one can sit back here with me for more than 5 minutes at a time.

Adjö för nu! (Goodbye for now!)

chemo fashion

I've picked out my outfit for the big chemo event tomorrow! lol

I'm going to wear slip on shoes, my favorite sweat pants, and a v neck shirt so they can get to the port easily. I'm planning ahead. I'm going to bring my computer and maybe a book. I know it will take hours.

I'm not sure how I'll be feeling afterwards so I don't know if the next update will be tomorrow or some other time.

I think it's going to be a good day :-)

I don't really have a whole lot to say today so I thought I'd share a message I got from a stranger that made me feel really good:

"Hey, I was reading through some of your blog (haven't read it all.. yet) and just thought I'd give my thoughts on losing your hair.
Actually, first I want to say how brave it is to get all that out publicly. And it also really helps me to write about stuff I'm going through, so hopefully it helps you too!
About the hair loss, I really wouldn't worry about people finding you unattractive. Quite a few people (including myself) find girls with shaved heads hot. I think you'll be beautiful hair or no hair.
Anyway, have a good weekend"

Several people I know have already said this to me, but hearing it from a stranger was a little bit different. You have to worry that friends and family are only trying to cheer you up. I think when I lose my hair, I will have to face my own insecurities about how I look to a greater extent. I never felt like my nose was quite right in a way that even I can't explain. My forehead is too big and I already see worry lines coming in on it. I also won't have eyebrows or eyelashes, and as someone who is very much into makeup, these feel like great losses. All of this is temporary of course and maybe it will somehow give me a better appreciation of the strengths of my face. I've always been told I have nice lips and a great smile. I've gotten plenty of compliments on my eyes. So I think I just need a new way of looking at it. I'm sure in a way it will be a really interesting experience.

The message just made my morning though :-)

Bald model - don't think I'll pull it off QUITE this well...

Two more days until I start chemo. I'm ready to get started yet uncomfortable about all of it. I've gotten all sorts of warnings from all sorts of different people about what it would be like, but I think I won't really know until I experience it for myself. I am really worried about the bigger side effects. The possible long term side effects. These are scary: organ damage, fertility problems, nerve damage, and probably some others I don't know about. There might even be problems that some up that the doctors don't know about. I'm trying to put these concerns out of my mind. I take the doctors at their word when they say this treatment needs to be done. It's strange though that some of these long term side effects are the same side effects I could have to deal with if I don't manage my diabetes properly. However, with the diabetes, I plan on taking care of myself to avoid these future problems but the chemo is just a crap shoot that I can't do anything to change.

Either today or tomorrow I'll get to see my youngest brother Jake. He actually just shaved his head :-)
He got me this cool animal hood (http://spirithoods.com/) that might help keep my head warm when I'm without hair.

This is the hood but I'm not with Jake in this pic. This is my other brother Ryan. I'll need a better pic of the hood, preferable with Jake in it!

Life really is too short not to be yourself.

Recently a friend of mine decided to come out of the closet and just let the world embrace him for who he is. I thought it was really brave. I can’t imagine how difficult that can be but I hope that ultimately it makes him happier to be himself.

This post goes slightly off track from the overall theme. This post is about being yourself. I already know it will be the hardest I’ve written. I have butterflies in my stomach and I feel a bit shaky.

Before I start in on my confessions, I have a pre-confession to make. In keeping these certain things to myself and not sharing them with close friends and family, I haven’t been giving any credit to you (when I say you, I’m not even sure who all reads this blog at this point). I’m the one making assumptions, thinking I will be treated differently, or certain people I care about won’t want anything to do with me, or maybe some other horrible scenario that I can’t even imagine. Given the overflow of love coming my way right now, more than ever I say it isn’t fair not to give everyone the chance to love and accept me exactly as I am. I’ve been the jerk for giving the people who care about me so little credit.

The first of the two is less difficult for me to say: I’m bisexual. I’ve been attracted to some women and some men. If you think being gay or bisexual is wrong or sinful, I might have lost you just now. But if you’ve loved me until now, you should allow this new information to find its way in, explore it, and decide whether you really think there is something wrong with me. This is not the confession that I thought would be difficult to make because I haven’t noticed a problem among my friends and family members with gay hate. I feel like making a quick note though that if you are reading this, I am not in love with you. That is definitely not what this is about, haha. I am not currently in love with anyone.

The second confession is much trickier and I’m actually feeling a bit sick to my stomach. I’m sure there are many who could word the following much more eloquently than I, but I’m really going for delicacy. But I’ll get right too it: I’m simply not religious. It seems that the majority of my friends and family are and this does not have one iota of impact on my love for them. Why should it? I only worry that it won’t be the same the other way around. I should say that because I’m not religious, this does not mean that I do not have a moral framework or care about what’s right or wrong. This is also not something I decided overnight. I’ve been thinking about it for years and still continue to think about it. Now because discussing this can lead to angry and hurt feelings (because a religion is usually a framework for a person to live their life by and therefore taken very seriously) I don’t want to have arguments about it with the people I care about. It really does break my heart to think of someone deciding I’m a bad person after they read this. I’m the same. I also don’t want to start getting overloaded with invitations to go to church. I know that these invitations come with the best intentions, but I am as set in my beliefs as you probably are in yours.

I’m really nervous to post this now but I feel good putting it out there. I am open to talking about any of this with anyone one on one but know that I am prone to getting my feelings hurt if you imply that I’m going to hell.

For balance, a lighter note

Strange-ish, but I decided to think of some positive things about getting cancer:

• Sometimes you (or maybe just I) start to doubt how much the people you know really care about you, but something like this is an overwhelming affirmation of the love your friends and family have for you.

• When my hair comes out, I can wear any kind of crazy wig or head accessories I like and no one will call me out on it.

• Everyone is super thoughtful and patient when dealing with me. People want to go out of their way to make me happy and comfortable (though honestly the extra special treatment makes me feel a bit guilty because I haven’t done anything nice or exceptional myself to deserve some of it, especially all my presents)

• I can dress like a total slob and not feel the least bit self-conscious about it.

• I have the free time to accomplish something worthwhile. I could work on improving my Spanish. Crawl my way through some of the difficult philosophical texts I have. I could try to draw something amazing.  None of this has even been attempted thus far, I should say.

• I feel more opened up emotionally. I normally have a hard time expressing my feelings but having had so many people send unabashedly emotional messages to me has made me open up. A little too much at times!

• I’m doing a much better job of keeping in touch with the people that I care about that are far away. I had gotten really bad about that.

• If I need to, I can sit my ass down and take a rest anytime and anywhere, and no one is going to make me get up.

• No one picks on me for eating hardly any of my food. They all know there is a decent chance it will come right back up.

• I don’t feel guilty about spending way, way too much time on facebook.

• I will not be getting a zero tip on a $100 tab for a long, long time!!!

These are just a few I thought up just now. I might add more later because I'm sure I missed some.

port installed

I think the icky orange stuff is betadine

I don't think I mentioned this but I was called yesterday and got my port operation changed from 9AM to 6AM today so we had to be at the hospital at 5! Mom and I were a teeny bit late because dragging out of bed this early was extremely difficult for both of us. This was a minor surgery compared to the one last month in which they removed my ovary but I was surprised that they prepared almost just as much. The anesthesiologist was kind of cute, but don't worry - I played it cool with my no makeup look, unbrushed hair, and hospital gown. He said he was going to give me something called "twilight medicine" which would just make me kind of out of it and not really caring what was going on, and then a local anesthetic for the area. Dr. Barnes (same surgeon as before) put in the port. I remember being in the OR and the anesthesiologist putting the "twilight medicine" in my IV and shortly after that, I was out. He had said I would hear voices and be aware of things going on around me, but I think I was so tired from not sleeping well the night before and getting up so early, I don't remember a thing. When I started to come to, they were moving me around a bit and I said, "Are we getting started soon?" and someone replied, "We're already done!" In my head, I had imagined laying there watching the surgeon slice me open. I was being wheeled off to the recovery room and vaguely remember saying crazy things to someone like, "I'm going to be skinny like a super model!" and "My friends think I will look good bald!" Oh well. I hung out in a recovery area while a super nice nurse fed me ice chips with a spoon and then got moved to another regular room where I could hang out with my family. They did an x-ray to make sure the port was in the right spot and then I was good to go. So even though I am uncomfortable, I can't lift with or raise my right arm for a few days, and I have to carry a special card in my wallet just in case I go through a metal detector... the whole experience wasn't nearly as scary or dramatic as I was worried it would be. And now they can use the port for chemo and drawing blood on Monday.

Tonight!

And now tonight my sweet daddy is taking me to see Wicked! Honestly, I don't know that much about it, but I hear it's awesome. I know a lot of people have seen it again and again so I'm exciting. (Though I think my dad is more excited than I am, hehe)

How I embarrassed myself without getting out of bed

this picture actually makes me feel super nauseous!

Happy Valentine's Day to those who are happy about the existence of this holiday today!

Last night I went up to work/Cheesecake with Perri and Kathleen mostly to see the people I've missed. (BTW, Perri got me some Valentine's Day candy and Kathleen got me a blue eye palette from Sephora. Could they be any sweeter??) One of the first persons I ran into was one of my managers Jay, who asked me if I would feel up to just sitting and answering the phone for a few hours on VD. I had already emailed Dave, the GM, and said I would be up to doing this since it went so smoothly when I did it last year. So I agreed.
Even though I had a lot of fun with my friends last night, I ran into my two new typical problems. I got hit with nausea really quickly and luckily made it to the ladies room to throw up my spinach dip and sweet corn fritters. I also got so super exhausted. So exhausted that on the way home I thought, "There is no way I'm going to work tomorrow! I'm going to call them and tell them I can't come!"
After crashing for several hours, I actually feel sort of exciting about going to work (though I won't make much money). I need to get out of the house while I'm feeling up to it and I'll see more friends I didn't see yesterday. If I can sit at home and chat with people online from different countries, then I can sit at work and take to-go orders :-P

Ok, I went back and front about including this story on my blog, but it seems too silly and possibly funny to leave out. The person I'm talking about's name will obviously not be included to protect his identity. So the story begins (a few days ago) with me getting the idea in my head that I would like to get laid before chemo- while I still have hair and look healthy. Specifically before this Wednesday, when the port gets put in, because I was told that would be uncomfortable for a while (and unsexy). Something you should know about me? When I get an idea in my head, sometimes it simply will not go away with any amount of logic or reason. I wasn't looking for a stranger. I wanted someone I know and trust and would probably have a good time with. I thought of the guy I was sort of hanging out with before winter break around the time of finals. Super nice guy, great personality. I wouldn't say that we were dating, we studied together and hung out together. But it seemed that there was possibly potential for it to lead to dating if things went well.... and we did have sex once. When all these crazy health scares came up, I was updating him regularly but conversation eventually dwindled. There might have been potential there, but between the cancer, me being about an hour away, and him being super busy with school and work, that went out the window. So when I saw him on facebook chat, I thought, here's my chance. I should mention that this was AFTER I had already sent him a cheesy/obnoxious/embarrassing/awkward message a few days before about how I was sorry I didn't get to know him more and would have wanted to date him but that I hoped we could be friends. YACK! Why do I do this?
Now this is what comes next: "Ok, I have a strange question for you and if it's too weird, please just pretend I never asked it. I'm starting chemo next week and I'm thinking no one will want to have sex with me after that. So I really want to get laid before that happens and you were the first person I thought of because well I thought you were attracted to me before all this and I still look normal for now." Who says this crazy shit?? Mary does!
You know when you are talking to someone on facebook chat and they don't know what to say so it keeps saying "typing" then no typing, then "typing" then no typing, then "typing".... that's exactly what happened. Then, "Well, I'm kind of seeing somebody right now." Oh shit! Super embarrassment! But of course being the nice guy that he is, he diffused the awkwardness and said, "You're a very pretty girl. I'm sure it won't be that long. Even with the hair loss and stuff."  Oh, I have fun... hahahaha

Plan B is a visit from Sweden :-P

info overload

I'm a bit exhausted right now. I just took a little nap after being at the cancer center for about 4 hours! I'm going to try fill in what happened in those four hours but my brain is a little hazy so I might have to go back and edit later or add another post.
After a 2 hour wait, I met Dr. Gore. He was friendly and exuberant with his lavender tie. He apologized for the wait, he needed to talk to my surgeon, Dr. Barnes, before seeing me... but the surgeon was in surgery. I'd already had blood drawn and a physical exam done by his nurse practitioner, "Scooter," and was deemed healthy. Dr. Gore warned that with chemo sometimes comes neuropathy (damage to the nerves in my hand and feet) but he made it sound like this wasn't likely to be permanent but if it gets so bad that I can't fasten a button, then it's time to call him. Another "problem" he brought up was issues with chemo possibly causing infertility, which probably has already been lowered with the type of surgery I had. He said a lot of woman get their eggs frozen but that he did not recommend this in my case, not only because of the time delay, but because the hormones they would have to give me could cause the type of cancer I have to rear it's ugly head. I told him this was not a concern for me. I didn't want to waste time fooling with egg harvesting either and that I'm pretty sure I do not want children. If I change my mind about this, I can always adopt. He told me the two types of chemo I would be getting, which were CARBOplatin and PACLitaxel. He said that this chemo would not be nearly as bad as any horror stories that I had heard and that they would do everything in their capabilities to make me comfortable. I already got sent home with antibiotics and nausea meds because they do not want to fool around with me getting sick while my white count is so low. Especially since as a diabetic, I could easily go into diabetic ketoacidosis while sick. He is also going to give me a shot to up my white count after the chemo that he would not normally give to someone getting the type of chemo I'm getting. Again, being extra cautious because of the diabetes.
I also met with some kind of pharmaceutical oncology type team. Most of what they said was just reiterating things I already knew. They gave me a list of common side effects for the type of chemo I would be having: nausea, vomiting, kidney problems, bruising, liver problems, fever, infection, poor appetite, hair loss, diarrhea, tiredness, mouth sores, anemia, and muscle cramps. Obviously with signs of those scarier sounding ones, I would call the doctor. Everyone seemed to be emphasizing to me that it would not be that horrible, so I will take them as their word.

So I show up next Monday morning at 8:15 AM to start this adventure called chemo. Between now and then I'll have my port put in and I'll see my endocrinologist.

But I better go and shower because tonight I have a date with two lovely ladies, Kathleen and Perri, at the sometimes loved (and often not so loved) Cheesecake Factory :-)

The creature that is stressing me more than cancer.

Ok, so I few days ago, I got out of the shower and as per usual went to my underwear drawer to collect some undergarments to wear. I pulled the drawer open with zero reason for stress because I've done this many times before without issue, but on this occasion, a tiny brown mouse was looking up at me. In a different time and place (perhaps a little mouse habitat?) this mouse would have been adorable. In this case, it was not. I screamed, slammed the drawer, and proceeded to kick the entire chest of drawers over and over to scare him away (not very nice, I know). I then sat in my bed for a couple of hours trying to hear him scurry around. After hearing and seeing no sign of it, I clothed myself (in pants, a shirt, etc, that had not yet been put away). I tentatively opened each and every drawer to look for the little bastard (to him I'm the bastard). During the inspection, I noticed tiny mouse droppings all over my clothes! Thanks Fievel.... I'm not sure if my drawers were his house or his toilet. Maybe both. All clothing has been taken out and washed since then, and now sits in baskets and bags all over my floor. Maybe I really did scare him away because I haven't heard him since that incident. I've been assured that it should be fine to restock my drawers with all my clothes but I am hesitant to do so.

Better looking than my real hair!

I could never get my real hair to look this bouncy and wavy!

I found out it will be couple of weeks after the first round of chemo (or so I was told) before my hair starts to come out, but we decided to go check out wigs today. The place my friend Sarah recommended was closed today so we went to Hair Options (http://www.hairopt.com/) in Hoover. The women who worked there were super nice and helpful! I tried on several wigs but the one you see in the picture above was by far my favorite. I feel like it looks like my real hair... only better. I know I said I was going to branch out and not do red, but the woman who helped me (Loraine) said that chemo would make me look even paler (how is that possible??) and red was good for adding warmth and color. She also explained the best way to try to get my insurance company to cover it (BlueCross BlueShield are apparently dicks about this) and gave us a nice discount (wigs are expensive!!)

So if you or anyone you know finds yourself in need of a wig, I highly recommend this place! I wore my wig around for the rest of the day even though I still have real hair underneath, haha!

On a slightly darker note

I started this blog because I wanted to say whatever it is I feel like saying. I hadn't even originally planned on sharing it with anyone, and if a stranger happened upon it and read it... that would be fine. I'm glad I did share it with some though because if a person who cares about me wants an update, they can go here.
Yesterday was the first time it really occurred to me that there is a possibility that I could die and I allowed it to roll around in my mind a bit. It just seems very unlikely but I still have to consider this. Chemo is a poison they pump into a person's body to get rid of cancerous cells. I don't want to give the impression that I'm sitting here crying and moping as I write this. That's not the case. But I've been in denial about a few things up to this point: When I was told I had a mass in my abdomen, I thought, "There's no fucking way this is cancer." When the surgeon removed my ovary, I though, "He got the tumor so I definitely won't need chemo." When I heard I would be getting chemo, I asked, "But I won't lose my hair? I hear a lot of people now who get chemo don't lose their hair?"
I just want to live in a practical world. I hope this wasn't a downer because it wasn't intended to be. The doctor recommended a counselor I could talk to about all this stuff.

My awesome friend Allison reminded me of the existence of the show The C Word, which I believe is about a teacher who finds out she has cancer. Maybe I can find those episodes somewhere since I never saw the show. I did watch the movie 50/50 the other day but I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I would have watching it on my own. I watched it with my mom and I kept looking over at her face of horror. Really that face of horror was plastered on the whole entire film. It was just too sad for her. She didn't laugh once. I felt bad for her but I still really liked the movie.

I'm throwing a question out there. When I turn 26 in September, I will no longer be eligible to stay on my parent's health insurance and this will turn into a sticky situation between the cancer and the diabetes. So I'm in the market for a husband with really good health insurance who won't beat me. He doesn't have to be rich, I just want really good health insurance. Let me know if you have anyone in mind :-)

It couldn't wait

I couldn't wait until next week to get my hair cut, so I made a spur of the moment stop at a walk in salon, on what was just suppose to just be a trip to the post office. I also was worried my hair appointment would get bumped if chemo started Thursday. I can't remember if I already mentioned that it's easier to deal with your hair short when you start to lose it.

A note on the people that care about me...

Although all of this has been both overwhelming and frustrating, friends and family members are coming out of the woodwork to tell me how much they care, or show support, or to say they will help in anyway they can. If I can get cheesy for just a minute, it really feels great to get so many kind messages. I suppose a lot of people think this in my situation, but when this is over, I'd like to make a big effort not to take these amazing people for granted anymore. I'm not eloquent enough to express how much it has meant to me.

Oh, I will be meeting my oncologist, Dr. Gore, for the first time Monday morning. I'm sure I will be loaded down with even more info then. Then the port will be put in Wednesday, barf.

I also read or heard that it's good to get your haircut short before chemo because it's easier to deal with when it's coming out. That appointment is next Thursday. I wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love or some similar group, but my hair has been chemical-ed and highlighted to death so no one seems interested. 

Then Friday, I have an appointment with my endocrinologist (diabetes doc) for just a general diabetic checkup and so I can ask him if the chemo is going to mess with my blood sugars and other diabetic/cancer concerns.

I hope all these appointments work out because I don't know when chemo starts, so something might get bumped.

Oh those Swedes...

I guess I'm too old to tell the Make-A-Wish Foundation that I want to meet Alexander Skarsgård....

I watch too much television

Right now I'm just waiting to hear back about when I'm going in to see my new oncologist. He'll have more chemo info for me and set in stone when chemo starts. He's suppose to be the nicest of the oncologists at the cancer center so I'm pretty happy about that. I hope he's as nice as Dr. James Wilson from House.... hehe

So part of the reason they want to start the chemo ASAP is because of this bit of fluid buildup in my abdomen. I feel like a really irresponsible patient because I still don't understand why this is bad. I really need to try to google this shit and get it figured out. Dr. Barnes said that if they just drained the fluid, cancer cells could attach to the skin. The surgeon called it "aggressive" chemo and has changed the plan from 3 to 4 rounds to 6. The nurse said this could take about 6 months, which is entirely too long for my tastes. I just really, really hope I can take my classes this summer since I'm missing my spring classes.
Dr. Barnes said chemo isn't nearly as bad as it was in the past though. I haven't even started yet and all my jeans are super loose so I hope I don't get sickly skinny.

More to come as more occurs.

Port-a-cath... barf

I met with the surgeon today to discuss chemo. He wants to get started right away because there is still a bit of fluid buildup in my abdomen which is apparently worrisome. I still don't understand the connection between the fluid buildup and cancer. Dr. Barnes, the surgeon, started in on explaining two different types of chemo. Of course the first sounded awful. I would have to come in every few days and would be sick as a dog. The second would be a six round deal with me coming in every 3 weeks. Luckily the plan is to start with the second option and if that doesn't seem to work, move on to the other. I'll meet my oncologist, Dr. Gore, at the end of this week or next week. I'll have to wait to hear back about that appointment. Bad news? For the third time, "you will lose your hair." Nausea and vomiting. Being super tired. Dr. Barnes' nurse seemed sure I wouldn't be capable of handling my beloved job waiting tables (I say beloved with both sarcasm and sincerity) for about 6 months and that I should get a desk job if any job at all. The news that really disturbed me was that I would have to come in next week to get a port-a-cath. I'm not sure where to begin or how to explain this beast so I'll just post this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Port_%28medical%29
Oh just a "small medical appliance that is installed beneath the skin." Now I really feel nauseous.

No hair. Getting too skinny. Tummy swollen and scarred. Exhausted. And some creepy medical device in my chest. I don't see myself getting laid anytime in the near future. I guess it would be nice to have a boyfriend who was obligated to fuck me. Maybe in the future I should work on being better at relationships.

On the emotional front, I think I'm doing ok. I've been worried about getting super depressed but I'm trying to have a I-just-have-to-deal-with-this attitude. With no work and no school to keep me busy, boredom is becoming an issue. I feel that I could be doing something to improve my mind but have thus far been too lazy.

I need a chubby, lovable sidekick like Seth Rogen in the movie 50/50

What's next?

I plan on taking loads of pictures while I still have hair.

Today I had an ultrasound to make sure everything looked ok on the inside after surgery. Well, I'm guessing this is the reason... they called me up yesterday and said to show up today for an ultrasound. No peeing allowed beforehand!
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the surgeon who took out my ovary/tumor. I think we will talk about chemo and hopefully I will find out who my oncologist will be. My uncle is marrying a gynecologist who works at the hospital I've been going to and she filled me in on which oncologist was nicest and which was mean. I can't remember either of their names but my mom has taken on the role of my cancer secretary so I'm counting on her to have that written down.
I have been looking at wigs on google images and have decided I would like a long blonde wig and a short brown one. No attempt will be made to stay red. I might as well take this opportunity to experiment.

I'd be really impressed with anyone who could actually make it through this:  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12637488

Note to self: figure out a way to make this more interesting so someone might actually want to read it

Cancer? Really?

Current state of the scar. My stomach is still holding fluid even though I've lost weight overall.

Last month, literally the day before I was suppose to move back on campus for the spring semester, I found out I had a 13 cm mass in my abdomen. I had been dealing with a sudden onset of massive swelling in my stomach. I had convinced myself I was pregnant, despite the fact that this was very unlikely, but the tests came back negative. I was then convinced that I was just really constipated, but without going into too much detail about this, that also was not the problem. I was only able to eat tiny bits of food at a time if I didn't want to deal with being horribly uncomfortable. My trip to the emergency room on the night of January 7th came after an attempt to go out to eat with my mom and eat a normal amount of food. The pain that came after was the final straw.
After blood work and a CAT scan, the last thing I expected the doctor to come in the room and tell me was that I had a large mass in my abdomen. Ok, it's true that I didn't know what to expect at all but hearing that I had a mass was a shock. I ended up seeing a gynecological oncologist that very Monday and being set up for surgery Friday.
I didn't sleep at all the night before surgery and while waiting with my mom, dad, aunt, and grandmother to be wheeled off to get cut open, I began to feel the panic roll over me. I had just been excited to get this mass out of me and hadn't considered the pain that comes with waking up from a major surgery. It seems as though I did wake up in pain but I was so out of it that I don't remember it clearly. I also very vaguely remember the surgeon telling me that the mass was ovarian cancer. He took out the left ovary (along with 3 gallons of fluid buildup) but left my other lady parts. Soon I was wheeled into the nicest hospital room (no, this was a hospital suite) I'd ever been in where all my family members were waiting. I didn't feel so terrible at this point- hooked up to my morphine drip with my catheter there to save me from getting up to use the restroom.
I was in the hospital from the Friday I had the surgery until next Thursday so a lot of it is a blur. I remember the horror of hearing both the catheter and the morphine drip would be taken away. The next time I had to pee, I would have to use my sliced up stomach muscles to get myself out of bed. The first 3 times were simply horrible. After that I developed a system and it became manageable. I remember the surgeon coming back to tell me he thought the type of cancer was germ cell but wouldn't be sure until he got the results from the biopsy back. I remember too many visitors. I just wanted to be alone so I could rest. I remember feeling disgusting because I was told I couldn't shower and then I remember finally getting to take a shower with a bit of help. I remember keeping very close tabs on the clock to remind the nurses when it was type for another pain pill.
Most clearly I remember feeling much worse than I should have because bad medical decisions caused me to go into diabetic ketoacidosis. I have type 1 diabetes. I'm not on the insulin pump so I take two types of insulin, one long acting insulin and one short acting insulin. I need these insulins to keep me alive. Because I was not able to eat after the surgery, the surgeon decided I only needed boluses of my short acting insulin. I raised my concerns over this with him but was promptly dismissed. It's frustrating for me to have to deal with so many doctors that know so little about type 1 diabetes. I would have been out of the hospital quicker had this dangerous mishap not occurred.
I'll stop here for now because I suspect this is all very boring.