Oompa Loompa

I tend to overhear parents saying the strangest things to their small children. This leads me to think that parents tend to say strange things to their children often. I have zero experience with parenting and almost zero experience with small children, so I try not to make judgments or assumptions. Today, as I was walking into the store to get medicine for Emma’s upset tummy, I overheard a mother say to her very young daughter, “Do you want mommy to go to jail today?” I caught this question completely out of context so it leaves much room for speculation…  

Tired but that’s nothing new. I put some self-tanner on that I haven’t used since last summer. I’ve gone from ghostly white to what most other people consider to be pale. My summer glow!

Prefer being pale to this look

That’s it for today.

Let’s find out together!

A new review of my blog just came in!:

“Speaking of bitches, you're a gigantic one.  I work from home on Fridays, and I got jack-diddly done this past one because I was reading your blog front to back.  Way to be a procrastination-enabler and an engaging read.  Bitch.”

I might have to make a page of reviews. Pump up my fragile ego a bit. 

I feel a bit less stressed out about the future and more in the moment after getting so much classwork done yesterday. Current career plan I’m exploring: accountant. Backup plans: sex therapist, cultural anthropologist, ballerina, Swede, starving artist, pilot, body guard, hateful stare specialist, nuclear physicist, wild bear, writer of historical fiction, dog walker, sous chef, Cuban rapper, philosopher, bar whore, computer programmer, submarine… captain?, bounty hunter, cartoon character, arsonist, garbage collector …  etc.

I counted and the minimum number of pills I take per day is 21. This number makes me really uncomfortable. Today I saw one of my doctors and he reduced this number to 20. Unfortunately, this is part of an experiment to find out if I have bipolar disorder or not. By the way, I know some of the links I put here are silly, but if you do not know much about bipolar disorder, please find the time to look into the illness because I’m quite tired of hearing people use “bipolar” as a synonym for bat shit crazy, much like some people use “gay” as a synonym for bad or stupid…. STOP IT! Because of all the stereotypes associated with bipolar disorder, I was able to admit to getting so depressed that I tried to kill myself in a post… but never mentioned bipolar disorder. My doctor and I are not sure if I am bipolar or if I was misdiagnosed because I was leading an insane and horribly irresponsible lifestyle a few years ago. We shall find out. Don’t mistake my attitude for casual though. I was only on one medication used to treat bipolar disorder – the lowest dose possible – but this change still has me a bit worried. If my posts start to go off the deep end (weirder than my typical weird personality) then… call 911! (Please do not call 911 based on anything I say in this blog… Obviously…) 

It’s getting harder and harder to make myself look like… me. I always feel like my wigs look obviously fake, sometimes I look too tired for any amount of makeup to correct, and I estimate that I’m currently at 80% eyebrow and eye lash loss. Putting on my makeup used to be one of my favorite parts of the day, but it’s just not as fun anymore. Now when a stranger looks at me, I’m sure it’s not because that person thinks I’m pretty. It’s because I obviously have cancer. :-(

Even though this is getting long, I don’t want to end on a negative note. Some friends from work (well, I’m not technically employed anymore) are having a little party on Friday night. I’m going to go for as long as my low energy level will allow. I’m excited to spend time with so many friends I haven’t seen in a while!

Quantitative Methods in Business

If you saw the title of this post and are still reading… well, that’s a bit surprising. I’ll keep this one pretty brief though. Part of the reason I was putting off getting started on the work for this class is because I was sure it was going to be boring and difficult. Yes, that is completely illogical but I was making every excuse not to start. Today I finally opened my book for the first time. I did all my readings and homework for the section in a few hours, then I took the test and made a 96 out of 100! I don’t deserve much credit for doing so well since it turned out to be a really easy test, but I feel so relieved to have found out this course will not be difficult at all. 

Now it’s time to find some way to celebrate! (sleep)

 

Blank

Someone who passed through my life briefly when I was a child left only one memory behind, but it is distinct. Distinct memories are rare for me. She told me that not everyone will like me no matter what I do or say and that is something I just have to learn to accept. This sounds like an obvious bit of wisdom but it impacted me greatly at the time and I still have to remind myself of that basic piece of logic from occasionally.

I don’t think of you often anymore but I thought of you today. Recollections of my time spent with you faded quickly and I can no longer picture your face clearly in my mind. I still feel wounded that you do not even wish to speak to me because when I do think of you, I miss our conversations. I suppose it’s really some leftover emotion that I miss since any specifics to do with you are no longer clear. You are not even reading this. Another failure in a long line of emotional disasters. Maybe it’s a blessing that I have such a horrible memory. Or maybe it’s the reason I don’t seem to be learning from my mistakes. 

When I’m feeling down and out, everything seems bleaker. I had decided not too long ago that I would major in accounting and become an accountant. I told myself this was not to be questioned and took some comfort in my absolutist decision. I told myself I don’t have the luxury of doing whatever I like because of the health problems that keep piling onto me. I need a stable job with a good income and health insurance. I really need to be able to take care of myself. Even though I think accounting might be a great fit for me, I’m not sure and I’ve been feeling a bit panicky about it the last couple of days. This comes back to me being really impatient and wanting everything to be accomplished or answered immediately. I’m set to take my first accounting class starting at the end of August and I need just calm down and see how it goes. See how I just used this paragraph and my blog to talk some sense into myself? I might as well have started out this post with “Dear Diary…” or just have a conversation with myself aloud. 

I feel a bit better though. :-)

This is Emma’s new playmate, who has been renamed Amos. He’s a sweet dog and thankful they really seem to like each other and play well together. He had been living under a house and had both mange and heartworms until someone found him and nursed him back to health. Emma still looks really fat standing next to him though. 

Bucket List

I would like to take up a few sentences to apologize if my posts are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. Since beginning chemo, I am simply not as mentally sharp as I was before and I truly hate that. I do my best to try to hunt any mistakes down and correct them before I post, but I’m not even as good at proofreading as I once was. So please forgive my currently limited imagination, grammatical atrocities, and any random words that simply make no sense in the context of the sentence it is contained in. Thanks!

Today my mom is driving to Georgia to check out a dog she might want to adopt. His name is Jarvis and he is a yellow lab like Emma. She took Emma with her to meet Jarvis and to see if they will get along, so I am alone without my buddy today.  :-(

Emma Doodle

 I am torn between wanting to go somewhere because I have a mild case of cabin fever and wanting to stay at home all day because going out tends to suck the life force out of me. For now my only plan for the day is to start on my homework for Quantitative Methods in Business (even though the class doesn’t technically start for a few more days) and possibly watching Låtden rätte komma in because I was told it’s a really good film. I want to get a bit of a head start on the homework for this class because we will be moving through the material very quickly over the span of just one month. I also want to get started today because I think the material will be extremely boring so I feel it is better not to put it off. I will take the stage makeup course at the same time as this business course, then during the second summer semester, Introduction to Microeconomics and Introduction to Computers. 

Inspired by the movie The Bucket List (which I enjoyed but would definitely not include in my list of favorite films), I have decided to make my own bucket list. For anyone who might be unaware of what a bucket list is, it’s a list of things you want to do before you die. I hope to be alive for a long, long time but I thought it would be interesting to come up with things I’d like to accomplish in order to motivate myself to make those dreams actually happen. So far I just have “travel the world” which is sort of ambiguous but there are just so many places I’d like to go. Now to come up with more than just one wish…

Much Gratitute/Cancer Haiku

Lately a handful of people have really stepped up and helped me out a lot by sending me some money. I can’t thank these generous people enough for helping me get by during these difficult times. One of these kind-hearted individuals also has a blog where he shares poetry and prose he has written. If you are interested in checking it out, go here: http://loveaspoetry.blogspot.com/

I felt inspired to write a few cancer haiku just for fun:

Little ovary 

You became a bad tenant

But I miss you so

-----------------------------

The surgeon attacks!

Die exploding tumor die!

I don’t mind the scar

-----------------------------

Leave me be cancer

I really fucking hate you

Do your job chemo

Please note this is not meant to be great poetry and I am very aware that it is not!

I think I’ve mentioned a few times in previous blog posts that chemo was causing me some trouble with balance. Lately I’ve noticed that either it hasn’t been an issue or I’ve adjusted to it. My newest trouble is running into things, usually around the house. I don’t know that I can blame chemo for this. Oftentimes I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I’m oblivious to everything going on outside of my head… including walls and chairs. That might make me sound insane, but I’m posting it anyway. :-)

I wonder if I’ll change the name of this blog when I go into remission. I was told the type of cancer I have is quite likely to crop up again, however I don’t want to live my life with cancer on my mind all the time. I might be too busy after all this is over with to post as often. I’ve gotten used to having to live at such a slow pace, and to be really conservative about even going out, that I think getting adjusted back to some normalcy will take time. From what I’ve gathered from various sources, it will take months to get my energy levels back to pre- …. all of this. I feel like the finish line (well, sort of) is in sight and I hope hope hope that despite the warnings that my type of cancer has a high level of reoccurrence, I will never have to go through this nightmare again.

Squishy McFatkins

A big amount of anxiety has now been resolved. I think I got the best news I could have gotten from Dr. Gore this morning. No changes in the treatment plan (sticking with 6 with only 1 left to go) seemed silly to hope for with the concerns about the abdominal fluid buildup continuing to return. I was resigned to hearing that I would have to switch to harsher chemo drugs, or worse, that I would need more surgery. Happily, Dr. Gore did not see any signs of more tumors on my scan and decided to add just 2 more treatments. So I should get my last round of chemo on July 16^th instead of June 4^th. I’m sorry that I don’t have any interesting details to share, but since it is now almost the end of my day, I am very tired and can’t really think of much else to say…

I will add that being stuck at home a lot a bit longer than originally planned isn’t quite as bad since I always have one of my best friends to keep me company: http://youtu.be/5yyRmfgannY

Sweet Talk

If you're still alive

My regrets are few

If my life is mine

What shouldn't I do?

I get wherever I'm going

I get whatever I need

While my blood's still flowing

And my heart still beats . . .

Hello friends, family members, acquaintances, concerned strangers, and spectators…

I no longer have the slightest idea of who is reading my blog, but, at least from my perspective, the view count is high so I’m not just talking to myself here. 

I have not eaten any actual food in about 7 hours but I am currently feeling too exhausted to get up out of my bed, obtain something to eat, chew it up, swallow it, and digest it. Also, it was only about 30 minutes ago that I was standing out in the heat of the day, quietly repeating the phrase, “Don’t throw up” over and over to myself. This morning, when I was in a much better state, I made a mental list of errands I would run today. The practical voice in my head reminded me of how awful I feel when I try to do too much at once and I mentally crossed off everything on the list except the errands that were absolutely necessary. That cut it down to just 3 stops. It might have been fine had I left first thing in the morning to avoid the Alabama heat, but I left midday. Bad call. The first thing I had to do was drive to the Kirklin Clinic at UAB hospital to talk to someone about the charity care application (for help with medical bills) I’ve been working on. I had several questions but every time I tried to just call to get my answers, no one would pick up the phone. Bastards… 

*PAUSE FOR FOOD CONSUMPTION*

Now I feel a lot better. Still very tired but much better. 

Where was I? Oh right… Anyway, I felt that it was necessary to get these questions answered today because I needed to find out if patient services at UAB received a letter from my oncologist about my condition (cancer). I’ve had a problem with requests for letters from him (for school and scholarships) slipping through the cracks. I suppose I could have just called the cancer center to ask if a letter was mailed or faxed to UAB but whoever I end up talking to when I call up there always seems extremely confused by every single thing I say to her, so making a trip all the way downtown seemed like an easier option. Since I found out UAB did not get this letter, I can talk to Dr. Gore directly about it when I see him in the morning and completely avoid a dreadful conversation this mysterious and easily confused lady. 

After I got all my questions answered, I had to drive to my head doctor’s office to pick up a prescription sheet for Adderall XR. I was told I had to physically pick up the prescription sheet each month because Adderall XR is a Class II drug and therefore cannot be just called in to a pharmacy like all of my other medications. Sounds really sketchy but it has been working really well as my anti-depressant. This transaction only takes about 2 minutes but it’s really inconvenient to make the drive all the way to this doctor’s office each month, especially now that I’m feeling shitty so often. I only had to wait about 15 minutes at the pharmacy down the road for the pharmacist to fill the prescription but it was during these 15 minutes that I started to feel ridiculously awful and nauseous. I went in the restroom to check to see if my blood sugar was ok (it was) and so I would be near a toilet if I had to puke. Someone actually turned out the lights on me while I was in the stall feeling terrible. I didn’t even care. After leaving the pharmacy with my legal amphetamine, I had to prop up my head with my hand and my elbow on the glove box the whole drive home because I was so exhausted and sick. I hate summers in Alabama and I have a feeling summer in Alabama while getting chemo is going to be atrocious. I felt so bad when I got home that I scared both my parents by texting them to say, “I feel like I’m dying.” Now that I’ve eaten and rested in bed for a while, I think I’ll live. 

Today I was told, “You're a vital looking mother fucker.” Makeup helps. As does my pretend hair collection. Anyway, I love it when a man sweet talks me…

Current issue: I really hate that the children next door make the exact same noise when they are having fun that it seems like they would make if they were being murdered. It’s really unsettling. 

In the morning, I will find out my chemo fate.

Search and Destroy

This morning I went in to the hospital for a chest x-ray (not completely sure why) and a CT scan of my abdomen. Even though I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had CT scans done this year, during exactly none of the other times did I have to drink two bottles of this (and then wait a whole hour for it to get into my system):

Mom in the background with her "There's Something About Mary" bracelets

Please note that the bottle says “Banana Smoothie.” It tasted nothing like a smoothie… it actually reminded me a bit of the taste and texture of Pepto-Bismol. Except I sort of like the taste of Pepto-Bismol and this barium stuff tasted awful. I know it didn’t help that I chugged it all quickly in an attempt to get out of the hospital quicker. I felt sure I was going to vomit for about half of the hour I had to wait before the scan. The nurse in charge of my CT scan was kind of an odd ball. When I asked her if the barium had sugar in it (being a good diabetic), she said, “No, it has no nutritional value at all. I like to have it for dessert sometimes.” Really lady? Also, she told me I look just like a kewpie doll, which I was very unhappy about after I figured out how to spell that and looked it up. She had to ask me if there was any chance I might be pregnant, as they always do, and when I said no, she said, “I’m sure you have no desire for sex right now.” Well, I don’t really have any desire to discuss that with you… um, what’s your name again? I’ll just remember you as weird lady. I guess now it probably seems like I was offended. Not really. I prefer weirdo to nurses with no personality who are obviously just on autopilot. And she wasn’t just weird; she was very sweet and thoughtful. 

I’m not going to try to explain the whole process of getting a CT scan, but they do have to inject contrast dye through an IV. Yet another potential concern I won’t look up the side effects for. It gives you a tingly sensation in your genital region and you sort of feel like you’ve urinated on yourself.  The worst part to me is when the machine tells me to take a deep breath and hold it… for 15 seconds I believe. It’s ridiculous but I’ve hated this part each time. I start to feel panicky and really, really want to let out my big breath and start to breathe normally. 

I’m guessing that my copay for the scan is $150 and I’m getting better at the “Guess that Medical Bill” game. Well, it was necessary and I’ll find out what Dr. Gore has to say about it on Wednesday morning. 

I like to fantasize that I’m a rock star instead of cancer girl. Whenever I sing along to a song though, I can’t help but sing harmony most of the time. I think this might be because I played trombone in my high school marching band and so harmony is what I’ve gotten used to (don’t laugh! I can see you laughing!)

The one and only, Freddie Mercury, wearing an outfit kind of similar to my marching band uniform

Gollum

This is what I made for the generous Swedish man who sent me a donation recently:

Please do not judge it too harshly because it was my first attempt at using pastels and charcoal pens. I wish it was better but I did the best I could with an experimental acrylic paint/colored pencil/charcoal/pastel/ ball point pen …. creation.

I have a crush on Ben from Parks and Recreation (no, not the actor… the character). I also think the show is hilarious.