Desperation.

This weekend was extremely productive in terms of getting work done for classes. The reason, however, was brought about by a stupid and dangerous accident and then a stupid and dangerous decision.  

I wrote not long ago that my doctor switched me from Adderall XR to Vyvanse. I was having trouble with getting irritable for no reason and getting tired too early in the day. I was told the Vyvanse would work a bit longer and maybe keep me on an even keel.  I did not seem to get as much pep from the Vyvanse as with the Adderall and it did not last longer as I was told. I also started having a problem with vomiting (after having no problems with vomiting for quite a while) after starting the Vyvanse.

How I got off track:  I decided on Saturday that I would go back to taking the Adderall instead. Neither medication was fully making up for the physical and mental energy I lack now, but Adderall seemed to work a bit better. I woke up Saturday morning and automatically took the Vyvanse with my vitamins without any thought. I had done it so unconsciously that when I took an Adderall a couple of hours later as planned, I did not even realize what I had done. I made the connection when I felt super focused on my readings and assignments the entire day without dealing with my usual physical and mental fatigue. I was robot focused. I really absorbed the material I was reading and did an excellent job on my assignments. I felt like I was operating like a machine and I liked it. I was finally catching up on all my Management course work. I decided not to freak out when my nose started to bleed a little bit later in the day.

Sunday, I desperately wanted a repeat performance of the ultra-productivity I had on Saturday. This time taking both was not an accident, it was conscious decision. Taking two different amphetamines that are meant to be taken alone was idiotic. I had no idea what kind of problems this could have caused; I just felt it was worth it to get back some semblance of the energy I used to take for granted so I could maintain the good grades I’ve been working so hard to earn. I knew I was abusing my medications though and I knew continuing to do it would be unsafe. I made the decision to start taking only one of the two medications and to call my doctor to see if he had any other solutions to the situation.

Monday morning I woke up very hungry because the Adderall/Vyvanse combo had caused me to not want to eat very much during the weekend. As soon as I had breakfast, I threw it back up. I called into work sick and hoped I would feel better as the day went on. I felt tired though and couldn’t focus on my school work like I had during the weekend.  I got so frustrated and stressed out. I was so nauseous and my head was just pounding, so I didn’t get much work done at all. After dinner I was sure I was going to throw up again. As I was dry heaving into the toilet, I starting have these stabbing pains all over my chest and my arms went numb. I don’t recall that ever happening in the past.

Today, I will call my doctor. It isn’t acceptable for me to abuse medication but I also can’t seem to accept my limitations in what I am capable of doing. Frustration and stress are the big feelings of the moment.