Man, I feel so lopsided with just one ovary now! I keep getting off balance and almost falling over! :-)
After having two cups of coffee this morning, I was feeling pretty good and decided to venture out to buy more splenda (I have a fear of running out of splenda). At the grocery store, they had flowers on sale for just $4. So since I can’t remember the last time a guy brought me flowers, I decided to get some for myself! :-D
I read up on the really rare type of ovarian tumor I have a while back and apparently it really screws with your hormone levels. I know it increases sex drive and I think it made me more emotional too. I feel that this contributed to a very messy ending to what I will call a fling (for lack of knowing what the hell it actually was) during the early fall of last year. I can’t really explain how it all went to hell, partly because I have a horrible memory and partly because I’m still confused about some of the things that went wrong. He could probably tell the story better but currently does not want anything to do with me. It hurts my feelings a lot that he doesn’t have any interest in being my friend, but I understand, given how crazy I acted when things went sour. I think I hurt his feelings but it’s hard to say for sure because he wouldn’t share his feelings with me. I know that he thought I was only using him for sex which was true to a certain extent because I wanted to have sex with him all the time. I guess I never thought too hard at the time about my sex drive being so high, but it really was. He wanted to go for walks. No thanks, just sex. He wanted to get out and do something. No thanks, just sex. He said he felt like I was the guy and he was the girl. It seems like when I finally realized that I cared about him, I noticed that he was pulling away from me, and it was all downhill from there. Even though he was a dick at times (I’m not sure that he meant to be), I feel guilt still about being unkind to him. This is going to sound ridiculous but I wish I could give him a big hug that would soften all the bad memories and we could be friends again. I miss hearing about what goes on in his life. I would like to blame my bad behavior all on the tumor, but I have a history at being unsuccessful in dealing with potential romances. Not sharing my feelings or not even being honest with myself about my feelings. I think I’m still really emotionally immature in a lot of ways. You would think I would have learned something from a somewhat similar situation a few years ago. I guess not. I feel the libido is back within a normal range so maybe I’m safe for a while.
On a happier note, I got a bit of closure from the guy I was sort of talking to after the guy I described. The closure wasn’t really necessary because we never got to a point where we were actually dating and I wasn’t having any bad feelings about the situation. All the same, closure from guys can be so rare and nice to get! We hung out some and studied together at the end of the semester, and talked a bit during winter break, but communication fizzled when I didn’t go back to school. I assumed that it was because I was a girl he never really got close with who had just gotten cancer that would be living an hour away. This seemed fine with me. Cancer is a big thing to take on with a girl you haven’t even gotten close with. I decided to ask him today because I was pondering my date-ability and I got a different answer. It was because the guy I mentioned in the paragraph above is his close friend and he just didn’t feel right about dating me because of that. That seems reasonable too. But he’s a really nice guy who is dating a girl now that I hope is as nice as he is :-)
Today I ran my fingers through my hair and about 5 strands came out. I freaked out a little and started running my fingers through it again and again, but it stayed in place. Still hanging in there for now!
