Thursday, March 1, 2012

It's damn cold in here! I should put some pants on!

Man, I feel so lopsided with just one ovary now! I keep getting off balance and almost falling over! :-)

After having two cups of coffee this morning, I was feeling pretty good and decided to venture out to buy more splenda (I have a fear of running out of splenda). At the grocery store, they had flowers on sale for just $4. So since I can’t remember the last time a guy brought me flowers, I decided to get some for myself! :-D

I read up on the really rare type of ovarian tumor I have a while back and apparently it really screws with your hormone levels. I know it increases sex drive and I think it made me more emotional too. I feel that this contributed to a very messy ending to what I will call a fling (for lack of knowing what the hell it actually was) during the early fall of last year. I can’t really explain how it all went to hell, partly because I have a horrible memory and partly because I’m still confused about some of the things that went wrong. He could probably tell the story better but currently does not want anything to do with me. It hurts my feelings a lot that he doesn’t have any interest in being my friend, but I understand, given how crazy I acted when things went sour. I think I hurt his feelings but it’s hard to say for sure because he wouldn’t share his feelings with me. I know that he thought I was only using him for sex which was true to a certain extent because I wanted to have sex with him all the time. I guess I never thought too hard at the time about my sex drive being so high, but it really was. He wanted to go for walks. No thanks, just sex. He wanted to get out and do something. No thanks, just sex. He said he felt like I was the guy and he was the girl. It seems like when I finally realized that I cared about him, I noticed that he was pulling away from me, and it was all downhill from there. Even though he was a dick at times (I’m not sure that he meant to be), I feel guilt still about being unkind to him. This is going to sound ridiculous but I wish I could give him a big hug that would soften all the bad memories and we could be friends again. I miss hearing about what goes on in his life. I would like to blame my bad behavior all on the tumor, but I have a history at being unsuccessful in dealing with potential romances. Not sharing my feelings or not even being honest with myself about my feelings. I think I’m still really emotionally immature in a lot of ways. You would think I would have learned something from a somewhat similar situation a few years ago. I guess not. I feel the libido is back within a normal range so maybe I’m safe for a while. 

On a happier note, I got a bit of closure from the guy I was sort of talking to after the guy I described. The closure wasn’t really necessary because we never got to a point where we were actually dating and I wasn’t having any bad feelings about the situation. All the same, closure from guys can be so rare and nice to get! We hung out some and studied together at the end of the semester, and talked a bit during winter break, but communication fizzled when I didn’t go back to school. I assumed that it was because I was a girl he never really got close with who had just gotten cancer that would be living an hour away. This seemed fine with me. Cancer is a big thing to take on with a girl you haven’t even gotten close with. I decided to ask him today because I was pondering my date-ability and I got a different answer. It was because the guy I mentioned in the paragraph above is his close friend and he just didn’t feel right about dating me because of that. That seems reasonable too. But he’s a really nice guy who is dating a girl now that I hope is as nice as he is :-)

Today I ran my fingers through my hair and about 5 strands came out. I freaked out a little and started running my fingers through it again and again, but it stayed in place. Still hanging in there for now!

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, I was a little off-balance when they took that right testicle, too (it gets better, though). :P

    Depending on how long ago that first relationship you talk about was, I wouldn't worry about it *too* much. Everyone has (at least) one really horrible relationship where everyone involved was complete jerks to each other in some way, if they're honest about it. It's the whole "still growing up and learning about what we want from relationships" thing everyone goes through in their late teens/early twenties. Everybody has terrible "success" in their romantic lives early on, except those rare unicorns that screw up and get married young and somehow manage to make it work and actually be happy (and not get divorced less than ten years later).

    And there is absolutely nothing wrong with really enjoying sex as a young woman (even if it's more than what is considered "normal" by everyone else that is arrogant enough to make that kind of comment in public) in a serious relationship.

    If anything, it's unusual that he complained about that if he was around the same age as you. Hell, I know I wouldn't have complained in that kind of relationship in my early twenties for, like, at least a year if I all my other needs were being met in life.

    I guess the point I'm getting at here is you should never feel the need to apologize or feel embarrassed by a high sex drive as a woman. Short of medical problems, there are literally zero men in the world that will complain about too much sex in their early twenties if they're otherwise happy with the person they're in a relationship with (and if they blame it on that, they're being deliberately obtuse and trying to avoid talking about the more serious, though usually simpler, problems).

    As for not wanting to talk or be friends after breaking up, very few guys can do this even when the relationship ends in a relatively friendly way. At least, not until both of the guy and the woman have moved on to romantic relationships with someone else. The only guys that do are those spineless Nice Guys that are really just pining away hoping you'll get back together with them (and getting pissed when you don't).

    Heck, maybe he read the same "Guide to dealing with Breaking Up" that I did that was circulating around the Internet about five years ago (speaking of, if you want to read that I'll dig it up and post it over on my Blogspot account here, it was pretty funny to read back when I first stumbled on it).

    As for hair falling out, you'll know it when it really starts. I woke up the morning my hair decided to turn loose and saw my right eyebrow and the right side of the beard I'd started growing (mainly experimenting to see how I looked with one) still sitting there on the pillow. That was a fun morning cleaning up the hair falling off everywhere, every time I moved, let me tell you. :)