When you find your ex has updated
his dating profile in a way that reflects the failed relationship: “Message me
if you are a stable and happy human being.”
I dealt with varying levels of
depression for so long that I didn’t grow. I was static. I couldn’t see beyond
my own misery and felt I didn’t really exist beyond my extreme unhappiness. Through
the years I allowed my depression to mold me into a very selfish person. I like
to think that during this current period of genuine happiness and relative
clarity of mind, I have evolved a bit; but I am not sure.
If my exes reviewed my past
relationships like films, I’m fairly certain I’d never get hired for another
role. I want to defend myself though. I was so screwed up. I wasn’t really
myself. I would never behave the way I did in my right mind. It’s difficult to
make up for abused and neglected feelings though. While I might deserve credit
for never cheating on a partner or physically hurting anyone, I think the
damage done when your boyfriend has to interrupt your suicide attempt is
arguably far worse. Hearing you cry and scream “Stay with me!” all the way to
the hospital will haunt me forever. There is nothing I can do to make up for
the damage I’ve caused except to just leave you alone. I wish I had done it a
lot sooner.
The people I dealt with in the
hospital that night were cold and unforgiving. They might as well have been
shouting their thoughts about me through megaphones, they were so easy to read.
“Thoughtless, selfish girl!” “Attention whore!” “Idiot!” I did not care at all.
Because as soon as I had swallowed all of those pills, I knew I wanted to live
and it resulted in me finally feeling alive then and ever since that night.
I don’t think any of this shit
with cancer has been as scary or difficult as lying awake night after night simultaneously
talking myself into and out of killing myself. Nothing is my life has been
worse than losing control of my ability to reason. I might be physically weak
now, but I feel emotionally strong.
A thought: people have come out of
the woodwork to be supportive of me since I found out I have cancer. I wish it
could have been like that with the depression. When a large amount of people
don’t even feel that depression is a type of illness, it can be embarrassing to
even admit to experiencing it. No one has told me if I just try to look at the
bright side my cancer will disappear. I felt alone no matter where I was or who
I was with. The situations are so different that my case doesn’t really make
for some foolproof argument, but it would be nice if mental health wasn’t still
such a taboo subject in so many circles.
