When you find your ex has updated
his dating profile in a way that reflects the failed relationship: “Message me
if you are a stable and happy human being.”
I dealt with varying levels of
depression for so long that I didn’t grow. I was static. I couldn’t see beyond
my own misery and felt I didn’t really exist beyond my extreme unhappiness. Through
the years I allowed my depression to mold me into a very selfish person. I like
to think that during this current period of genuine happiness and relative
clarity of mind, I have evolved a bit; but I am not sure.
If my exes reviewed my past
relationships like films, I’m fairly certain I’d never get hired for another
role. I want to defend myself though. I was so screwed up. I wasn’t really
myself. I would never behave the way I did in my right mind. It’s difficult to
make up for abused and neglected feelings though. While I might deserve credit
for never cheating on a partner or physically hurting anyone, I think the
damage done when your boyfriend has to interrupt your suicide attempt is
arguably far worse. Hearing you cry and scream “Stay with me!” all the way to
the hospital will haunt me forever. There is nothing I can do to make up for
the damage I’ve caused except to just leave you alone. I wish I had done it a
lot sooner.
The people I dealt with in the
hospital that night were cold and unforgiving. They might as well have been
shouting their thoughts about me through megaphones, they were so easy to read.
“Thoughtless, selfish girl!” “Attention whore!” “Idiot!” I did not care at all.
Because as soon as I had swallowed all of those pills, I knew I wanted to live
and it resulted in me finally feeling alive then and ever since that night.
I don’t think any of this shit
with cancer has been as scary or difficult as lying awake night after night simultaneously
talking myself into and out of killing myself. Nothing is my life has been
worse than losing control of my ability to reason. I might be physically weak
now, but I feel emotionally strong.
A thought: people have come out of
the woodwork to be supportive of me since I found out I have cancer. I wish it
could have been like that with the depression. When a large amount of people
don’t even feel that depression is a type of illness, it can be embarrassing to
even admit to experiencing it. No one has told me if I just try to look at the
bright side my cancer will disappear. I felt alone no matter where I was or who
I was with. The situations are so different that my case doesn’t really make
for some foolproof argument, but it would be nice if mental health wasn’t still
such a taboo subject in so many circles.
Oh, heck no.
ReplyDeleteI just got done writing a very long post, long for me anyway. Went to check on something else and it was all gone. Hate when that happens - hate is a strong word. But I digress.
Hang in there kid, with all respect. I am 46, have two daughters 26/24, so I get to call you "kid", I am a friend that is here. That's all.
I saw the poem post yesterday, was not sure what to make of it. I did not want to be the first one to comment.
So, First things first, I was right about the "blue period". http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Picasso%27s_Blue_Period . Good job Mark!
The cancer is not your fault, and everyone gets that. Depression is not something that one tries to do, It does happen, it is real, most people do not get that. They just do not know, and are afraid to ask about.
You have done such a wonderful thing with sharing yourself on this blog. The good,The bad, and the ugly. The good - You are like the smartest person I have ever visited on their own blog that was telling a personal story(that wasn't trying to sell me something). The bad, well, I am sorry but, I cannot change what you are dealing with. The ugly, most people do not understand, and it can be even harder to try talking/bonding with them.
The "ex's", Just wait, maybe in five years or so you can go "see how they are doing". I will bet you "dollars to doughnuts"(bet you have not heard that in a while - if ever), they will be be like - i still love you, please lets try again - You are just fine, your soul mate will show up, give it time.
If you need something, give a shout, e-mail?
I do know some pro "social workers" that would be very private. I know it is hard to ask for help outright. Just keep us informed as to what you need. I am 1000 miles away,but have you in my thoughts.
internet hugs?
((((Mary))))
Mark
That's the worst! I had it when I write something out and I lose it somehow. I think blogger wasn't the best place I could have created this blog because it's caused a few problems.
DeleteThank you for your continued support. It always helps a lot. :-)
As you well know, I've have my own issues with depression over the years. I think it's something a lot of people deal with, but are afraid to talk about. But it is something that needs support. It's somewhat hard for me to really make an informed decision on how I would've acted towards you back then, because I really didn't know you prior to Cancer. However, I can say that having gone through it, and having watched enough friends go through it over the years, I understand the importance of having someone who will listen to you and talk to you.
ReplyDeleteDo friends always help? Probably not. It's kind of hard to help fix all the things that someone gets depressed about. It doesn't mean you don't want to try, however. I feel like there's somewhat of a need to be supportive, and have people who are willing to actually talk to you.
I'm probably rambling a bit, but from what you've told me, I feel like I at least can offer some ears if you ever need them. The people who have issues with mental health are scared of what reality has to say about them. That's really the sad truth of it, in the long run. Everyone has a problem, be it large or small. It's a matter of how you handle it. The difference here? In the end, you learned and you grew from it. Not everyone is so lucky, Mary.
If you ever need someone to talk to(or yell at to make you feel better :P) you know where I am.
Thanks. You are a good friend to me. :-)
DeleteMary, I have gone to a mental health center for many years. I went because I was So Overwellmed(?). With what, I didn't know. Thing is, I was Depressed. Right after the first session (many Visits) It was discovered that I had Anurysm's in the frontal lobes (which controls A Lot of things I discovered) The surgery's changed me (a lot) But I figured that what I gained far out weighed what I lost. Depression Is A Dangerous Thing! and Who The Hell Cares What People Think! You Should Worry About You!! and with what you are going thru...No Wonder you're depressed.....I Think Anybody would be Depressed. Find you "the right person" to go to and express all that is in your mind..in other words...Spill Your Guts! Get on some antidepression drugs. Please, you are such a Worthy person! And you haven't fought this hard this long to throw in the towel! I have been there...even had the gun in my mouth. The only thing that kept me from doing it was what it would do to my Mother. It leaves devastation behind, for every body. It is a Permanent solution to a temporary problem. You are a STRONG person! Dig your heel's in and continue the Fight! You are soo close to the end of the treatment's and it sounds like it is working. Keep on Keeping on!! There is a purpose for your life. Who knows just who you have touched thru this blog. Who you have helped with their life. Who you have inspired (like me). I know how it is to just want to give up.....but Please Don't!
ReplyDeleteI am like the other's you can Yell at me, Scream at me, get all the Anger out!! Anger turned in, becomes Depression. So SCREAM IT OUT SISTER!! YOU ARE LOVED!!
I'm so sorry you've gone through such hard time with depression like I did. I promise though that I am not depressed now. Overall I am happy even though I occasionally have my downs just from being frustrated from all that goes along with chemo. I really hope that you are doing well now mentally too because I know that depression can be a big scary monster to battle. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!
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