Countdown

I just got home from an exhausting 5 hours at the hospital. After a chest x-ray, some blood work, a talk with Dr. Gore, a CT scan, and an ultrasound... the diagnosis is whiny baby can't handle her chemo anymore. I guess I'm just at a point where I can't tell the different between the cumulative effects of chemo making me feel like shit and actually being sick. I am not accustomed to feeling this terrible (terrible just keeps getting worse). I'm dreading the way I will feel after the next treatment, though it will be my last and the feelings of euphoria that will follow might combat my feeling like death on a stick.

The trip to the hospital wasn't a complete waste of time though. Besides finding out that I am not sick and just need to get used to feeling like I have the flu and pneumonia all at once, I also found out that my stomach is not swollen because of the ascites (abdominal fluid build-up) again. The ultrasound technician informed me that I just have a lot of gas.... Lovely. But it is a good sign on the kicking cancer's ass front that she found very little fluid.

13 days left until my last treatment. I've been Xing out the days one by one. I'll go through the worst of it and then it will be over. Finally. Over half of this year has been devoted to fighting cancer and I'm ready to move on to something good.

My "m" key is starting not to want to work. If it gives out on me, I will either stop using words with "m" or use "$" as a replacement. Either option will be ridiculous.

And now I want nothing more than to take a big nap.

ill

Starting feeling beyond terrible. Chest pain. A bit of trouble breathing. A general awfulness that I don't know how to describe. Called cancer center. Will go in the morning or was told to the emergency room today if this gets worse.

Progress.

When you find your ex has updated his dating profile in a way that reflects the failed relationship: “Message me if you are a stable and happy human being.”

I dealt with varying levels of depression for so long that I didn’t grow. I was static. I couldn’t see beyond my own misery and felt I didn’t really exist beyond my extreme unhappiness. Through the years I allowed my depression to mold me into a very selfish person. I like to think that during this current period of genuine happiness and relative clarity of mind, I have evolved a bit; but I am not sure. 

If my exes reviewed my past relationships like films, I’m fairly certain I’d never get hired for another role. I want to defend myself though. I was so screwed up. I wasn’t really myself. I would never behave the way I did in my right mind. It’s difficult to make up for abused and neglected feelings though. While I might deserve credit for never cheating on a partner or physically hurting anyone, I think the damage done when your boyfriend has to interrupt your suicide attempt is arguably far worse. Hearing you cry and scream “Stay with me!” all the way to the hospital will haunt me forever. There is nothing I can do to make up for the damage I’ve caused except to just leave you alone. I wish I had done it a lot sooner. 

The people I dealt with in the hospital that night were cold and unforgiving. They might as well have been shouting their thoughts about me through megaphones, they were so easy to read. “Thoughtless, selfish girl!” “Attention whore!” “Idiot!” I did not care at all. Because as soon as I had swallowed all of those pills, I knew I wanted to live and it resulted in me finally feeling alive then and ever since that night.  

I don’t think any of this shit with cancer has been as scary or difficult as lying awake night after night simultaneously talking myself into and out of killing myself. Nothing is my life has been worse than losing control of my ability to reason. I might be physically weak now, but I feel emotionally strong.

A thought: people have come out of the woodwork to be supportive of me since I found out I have cancer. I wish it could have been like that with the depression. When a large amount of people don’t even feel that depression is a type of illness, it can be embarrassing to even admit to experiencing it. No one has told me if I just try to look at the bright side my cancer will disappear. I felt alone no matter where I was or who I was with. The situations are so different that my case doesn’t really make for some foolproof argument, but it would be nice if mental health wasn’t still such a taboo subject in so many circles.

Release your grip and let me go.

Stay with me a while,
Rise above the vile.
Name my final rest,
Poured into my chest.

Into the orchard I walk peering way past the gate.
Wilted scenes for us who couldn't wait.
Drained by the coldest caress, stalking shadows ahead.
Halo of death, all I see is departure.
Mourner's lament but it's me who's the martyr.

Pledge yourself to me,
Never leave me be,
Sweat breaks on my brow,
Given time ends now.

Into the orchard I walk peering way past the gate.
Wilted scenes for us who couldn't wait.
Drained by the coldest caress, stalking shadows ahead.
Halo of death, all I see is departure.
Mourner's lament but it's me who's the martyr.

Spirit painted sin,
Embers neath my skin,
Veiled in pale embrace,
Reached and touched my face.

Into the orchard I walk peering way past the gate.
Wilted scenes for us who couldn't wait.
Drained by the coldest caress, stalking shadows ahead.
Halo of death, all I see is departure.
Mourner's lament but it's me who's the martyr.

BC (Before Cancer)

I haven’t really felt up to writing to for a couple of days. I’m going through the typical faux flu I experience the week after chemo: weakness, aching muscles, cough, sore throat, runny nose, headaches, and my body temperature doesn’t seem to know how to regulate itself properly. It’s hard not to be in a good mood despite this when it seems that I’m so close to being done. My last round of chemo is scheduled for July 23^rd. If my white count is low again when I go in on that day, I will come back July 30^th. I’m not sure if more scans will be necessary at that point or how we will proceed from there. After I recover a bit from the last round of chemo, I imagine Dr. Barnes, the surgeon, while take out this annoying medical port. Then I know Dr. Gore will want to keep close tabs on me for a while and I will continue to have to go back for checkups I think yearly even after that since the type of ovarian cancer I had/have has such a high incidence of reoccurrence. 

Tuesday, the day after chemo, I had to go back to the cancer center as per usual to receive my immune booster shot (Neulasta) and to very slowly take in 2 bags of IV fluids. I hate going back for this because it ends up taking as long as the chemo, but the fluids really make me feel better. The steroids I’m given the day of chemo make my blood sugars nearly impossible to control which leaves me dehydrated and at a higher risk of getting sick. The fluids rehydrated me and help to flush out the excess glucose in my system. So ultimately worth the 5 extra hours at the cancer center. 

More news that puts a smile on my face: I found out that I that I got a 300 out of 300 points on my stage makeup final (that crazy Picasso inspired makeup). Getting A’s in my classes means more than it normally would because now I am feeling more confident in my mental capabilities – like chemo brain has not defeated me. 

I have written a bit in this blog about wanted to actively pursue my dreams now. BC (Before Cancer), I was timid and could talk myself out of even small risks or escapades. Even just asking someone I was interested in out on a date was too scary. I don’t want to think like that anymore. I want to get the most out of my life. A start was emailing the coordinator of study abroad programs at my university to find out more information about a semester abroad and how I can make something like that happen. I emailed her over a month ago and then sent another email a few days ago to a different address. I have not heard back from her so I don’t really have any news to report. Sadly, based on the limited information on the website, Sweden did not look an option. My university does have an exchange program with a university in Germany (TU Dortmund) however, I will just have to wait for more information. It does give me something exciting to think about though. :-)

Sorry if the writing is crap, I feel like I’m only halfway awake and halfway aware. It also seems the dogs have decided to punish me for sleeping later by ripping apart a down pillow and scattering it’s entrails all over the house.

Green Light! Let’s Go!

Great news: I got the green light from Dr. Gore for chemo. My white count has rebounded surprisingly well since last Monday (according to the nurse). This is perfect because it turns out that my second summer semester doesn’t start until next Monday and I’m getting closer to the end of this one week faster. It helps a lot that I’ll be feeling better next week when classes start instead of trying to get off to a good start during the week that I get chemo – the week I feel terrible and just want to sleep. 

Right now I’m just getting the “pre-meds” I always receive before a nurse starts the chemo drugs. I had IV steroids, IV nausea medicine, and now I’m getting IV Benadryl. I feel the Benadryl dragging me down and making me want to sleep now (for the third time since I got here at 8:45). I will be here for at least 2 more hours getting the chemo drugs (taxol and carboplatin) and I’m sure I will be asleep for most of it. 

Restarting the chemo pic tradition (I think I skipped last time and maybe the time before that):

No thumbs up this time. I just want sleep.

 

I need to say thanks again to all my family, friends, the people working here at the cancer center, and even people I don’t know who have been so supportive and go out of their way to be helpful. I know I haven’t said “thank you” nearly enough but I appreciate it so very much. 

 

Thanks urbandictionary.com. I forgot how much you make me laugh:

Classy smashed: the type of intoxication that occurs whenever wine or champagne is consumed.

Procrasturbation: to procrastinate by means of masturbating.

Banana guilt: the guilt one feels when unable to consume an entire bunch of bananas in between the time when they are at optimal deliciousness and when they’ve gone bad. (Ok, so I made this silly one up, lol)

Manstration: when a man is in a particularly unpleasant mood, for no apparent reason.

"...having never really lived."

According to weather.com, there is an “excessive heat warning” for the area in which I live until 9:00 PM tonight. Right now it is 102 (38.9 Celsius) degrees and the high is supposed to be 106 (41 Celsius). Typical summer in Alabama. I’ve found that the best way to insure that I will vomit is to go out in this heat. I always get really nauseous and almost always puke. This isn’t a typical yearly reaction to summer time for me… it has to be related to the chemotherapy. 

I’m feeling pretty good so far today though so I think that my white count will be high enough in the morning for me to get chemo. At least I hope that it will be high enough. I want to get all this over with as quickly as possible so I can start working toward normalcy. Actually, I think for a while at least, normal will feel incredible. Going to class or to work will be some kind of amazing adventure. Just being able to go to the store without feeling miserably tired or nauseous will be some small miracle. And I will just feel so grateful to be alive and to have so many possibilities before me. It seems that these types of feelings of awe over life after some event like surviving cancer fade with time… but I really hope that it stays with me a least a bit so I truly appreciate even the small wonders of life and boldly seek out the big wonders.