Good/Bad News

Permission to be super lazy: Granted!

I’ve been feel super shitty the last few days and blamed it on withdrawals caused by coming off of a medication that I’ve been on for a while. I think this contributed to me feeling bad, but today I discovered another reason I was feeling extra awful when I went to the cancer center this morning for my 6^th round of treatment. 

As always a nurse took a sample of my blood for testing to make sure I was healthy enough to get chemo today and I went back out to the waiting room to ... well, wait… to get the go ahead for chemo that I always get after they test my blood. Some random woman waved at me, probably just to be friendly, and all I could muster was half of a fake smile that probably read more like a snarl. I remember being annoyed that it was taking so long for them to come and fetch me for chemo because I already felt so exhausted that I just wanted to get it over with so I could go home and get back in bed. I felt so rotten… like I’d already gotten the damn chemo!

Finally a nurse came out to the waiting room to tell me that both my white count and my platelet count were low, so I would need to talk to Dr. Gore about whether or not I could even get chemo today. It wasn’t a long wait after that until I was in a regular room (like a typical examination room, not the huge room where everyone gets chemo and fluids). Dr. Gore came in and said, “No soup for you today!” Dr. Gore is very upbeat and colorful and his positive attitude tends to rub off on me. This is probably why I heard he is the best liked doctor at the cancer center. 

The news is that he decided I was not in good enough shape to get chemo today. Chemo is rescheduled for next Monday and he thinks from now on the treatments should be separated by 4 weeks of recovery time instead of 3 weeks. I felt happy to hear I wouldn’t be getting chemo today (good news) because I already feel awful and was not looking forward to feeling worse. I also don’t want to end up really sick and stuck in a hospital again. I am disappointed that I am not getting chemo today (bad news) because I feel this confirms I will continue to feel worse and worse and it will take even longer to finish up. I had literally made a big calendar just to show when my treatments would be, and so I could coordinate my assignment and tests accordingly. I was planning on making a big deal of X-ing out each day until chemo was done. Now there is really no point in trying to redo it since chemo appointments no longer feel set in stone. Ahh, the frustration! 

I guess this might be the lowest point for my immune system thus far so I am probably really susceptible to getting sick right now. Getting really sick means a “vacation” in a hospital bed. Not only would that throw off my work for my summer classes, I also just really hate getting stuck there. When I was in the ICU in January (my 2^nd hospital stay that month), I could not even get out of bed because I was hooked up to so many machines and IVs. I had to buzz my nurse to unhook everything each time I needed to pee, which was often since I was getting so much IV fluid. The need to pee was a welcome feeling though because it meant I had a valid excuse to get out of bed and I cherished those brief moments of limited “freedom.” I looked back in my blog and could find were I even mentioned this second trip to the hospital after my stay to recover from my surgery to remove my tumor/ovary. Maybe it’s there and I’m just too tired to find it. I remember that tiny blood clots were what made me so sick but I can’t remember what the doctor called the problem. The craziest stuff I’ve been through happened in January but I didn’t start blogging until February so more interesting (in a bad way) times probably got skimmed or left out altogether. 

Now I feel like I’ve gone off subject and I’m worrying about things before there is need to excessively worry. I still feel terrible and exhausted so now I’m going to give up on writing about anything else and just rest. I hereby take back all statements previously made about chemo being “not that bad.”