body image

As an insecure type of girl, I can't remember ever feelings like I didn't want to lose a few pounds or at least get in better shape by working out hardcore. Now, for the first time, I have to worry about getting in enough calories. Such a dramatic change. I can't eat much at a time now and I don't usually get hungry so I have to remind myself when it's time to eat. My doctor told me I might have to treat food as if it's medicine, I might not want any or think about it, but I need it and have to stay on schedule with eating. Blander foods seem to work best. Spicy or fatty hasn't worked out well in most cases. I've ended up mostly just wanting the same few foods: chocolate protein shake mixed with coffee every morning, and at some point during the day, there will be a greek yogurt and later (or earlier) some frosted mini wheats. Because of the situation, I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I'm liking being a bit skinnier. I don't want to lose more weight and blow away in a strong wind, but I really do think it's true that when all the actresses and models you see (the ones who are suppose to be our ideal of beauty) are all super slim or just scrawny it's hard for this not to affect the psyche of the average woman. In my real world experience, it seems like more men prefer to have something to grab a hold of during sex. Because I had lost a lot of weight (too much weight) at one point a few years ago and it really screwed with my head, I don't want to go through a repeat of that, emotionally. After losing all that weight, so many people were telling me to my face I looked great, but I found out that behind my back, people were saying I looked awful and must be on drugs. It really messed with my head and it took me a long time to recover. I even went to a body image class for while, though it didn't feel like I fit in because the women were much older and for the most part obese. They probably also thought I didn't fit in.I guess I'm trying to say that we, as women, should just try to be healthy and love ourselves as we are.

Goal for today: accomplish something. Nothing big. I don't have the energy for big. I've just spent so much time glued to my computer that's it's making me feel worthless. I could actually start on one of my books, or put my clothes away, or apply for scholarships. Maybe more than one of those if I'm feeling really ambitious and my coffee does it's job properly.

I also have a pretend wedding to plan, but that counts as being glued to the computer. Yes, I have acquired a pretend fiance who has agreed to pretend marry me. Something to keep me occupied, haha. I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog so won't be embarrassed I wrote about it. We've already run into a snag though because I'm pretty sure I don't want any children and he does. I think this pretend marriage is doomed to a pretend divorce.