Saturday, February 11, 2012

On a slightly darker note

I started this blog because I wanted to say whatever it is I feel like saying. I hadn't even originally planned on sharing it with anyone, and if a stranger happened upon it and read it... that would be fine. I'm glad I did share it with some though because if a person who cares about me wants an update, they can go here.
Yesterday was the first time it really occurred to me that there is a possibility that I could die and I allowed it to roll around in my mind a bit. It just seems very unlikely but I still have to consider this. Chemo is a poison they pump into a person's body to get rid of cancerous cells. I don't want to give the impression that I'm sitting here crying and moping as I write this. That's not the case. But I've been in denial about a few things up to this point: When I was told I had a mass in my abdomen, I thought, "There's no fucking way this is cancer." When the surgeon removed my ovary, I though, "He got the tumor so I definitely won't need chemo." When I heard I would be getting chemo, I asked, "But I won't lose my hair? I hear a lot of people now who get chemo don't lose their hair?"
I just want to live in a practical world. I hope this wasn't a downer because it wasn't intended to be. The doctor recommended a counselor I could talk to about all this stuff.

My awesome friend Allison reminded me of the existence of the show The C Word, which I believe is about a teacher who finds out she has cancer. Maybe I can find those episodes somewhere since I never saw the show. I did watch the movie 50/50 the other day but I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I would have watching it on my own. I watched it with my mom and I kept looking over at her face of horror. Really that face of horror was plastered on the whole entire film. It was just too sad for her. She didn't laugh once. I felt bad for her but I still really liked the movie.

I'm throwing a question out there. When I turn 26 in September, I will no longer be eligible to stay on my parent's health insurance and this will turn into a sticky situation between the cancer and the diabetes. So I'm in the market for a husband with really good health insurance who won't beat me. He doesn't have to be rich, I just want really good health insurance. Let me know if you have anyone in mind :-)

7 comments:

  1. Mary, one huge value of your blog is to have a safe place to express/explore YOUR feelings. It is very brave and generous of you to allow your blog readers to share your journey. But don't feel that you have to protect us. Continue to be honest and as open as you choose to be. I think being open to love and support is essential. You have an AMAZING group of friends who will, if you let them, create a gigantic wave of positive energy that you can ride to the other side of this ocean. Although we don't know each other all that well, I know a lot of your friends all that well, and you are one lucky woman in that department.

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    1. I know we don't know each other well but such kind words do make me feel stronger! And you are very right about my amazing group of friends!

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  2. Your blog, your words.
    From reading this blog you hit me as so so strong.
    I was "blessed" that I was too young to understand was cancer was when I had it.. and I talked to my brother today who said "I defeated cancer before I could even talk" (he was only a year). I think defeating cancer is tough, rough and a horrible experience - but much of it is determined on you attitude.-.. and you seem to have a lot of attitude. I have no doubt that you will kick som C ass!

    Linnéa

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  3. Are you OK with me linking to you blog or do you want to keep it private?

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    1. Thank you! Your words mean a lot to me! I don't mind at all if you link my blog!

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  4. If I had even decent healthcare, I'd sweep you off your feet. We could run off to Massachusetts.

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    1. Angel, I know you'd make an excellent wife! Or you can be the groom if you prefer. Or we could go back and forth :-)

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